He Just Left

He Just Left

I think it was Thursday when Miss Austin came into our technology class and announced,

"I just found out that our friend Eldar is leaving us next Thursday, so make sure you tell him a good goodbye and slap him on the back if you want to."

I got shocked by these words, I did not believe them, they weren't real. People asked him how he was feeling about leaving and where was he going. He calmly answered all of the questions and always smiled. He never wiped that smile of his face. I wonder why? I have known him for 2 years and I have never seen him without a smile. So to me, it all felt like this funny never ending joke. Til Tuesday of the following week.

* * *

Tuesday, it is our last class of the day, P.E. The thing that Eldar was leaving still felt like a joke, until,

"Eldar, you broke my heart.", Miss Laia said.

And that is when it came to me when it hit me right in the face. That is when someone woke me up from this terrible dream and brought me back to reality that is even worse, Eldar was leaving. It was his last PE class at ASB, he was going back to Kazakhstan, and he was never coming back. I wasn't in the mood of running, I wasn't in the mood of doing anything. Inside I was frozen, I was a rock. But I am a terminator and I never share my feeling, I don't have any. So I stand up, take a deep breath, and start running. Though deep inside, somewhere in my little heart I am shaking, on the outside I am just a metal box, a terminator. I guess so is Eldar with that never ending smile on his face.

* * *

Thursday, Eldar's last day, last class at ASB. We all are sitting in a circle talking about Eldar. All those tiny memories are flying around my boiling head. Spanish class, ELL, recess, lunch. So many memories, too many to remember all. Eldar is leaving, inside I am sad, outside I am neutral. Inside I am crying, outside I am laughing with the others. I wonder how Eldar is feeling? But wondering about it doesn't give me an answer. I guess I will never get the answer. It is Eldar, he is a terminator, he never shares his feelings. I am also one and that's why we are alike. I know how it is to be a terminator, I am one, and it's not easy. You have to keep all your sadness and madness inside, and bright side. I guess people like that. I mean nobody wants to hear someone else complain to them about how terrible their life is.

Miss Austin starts reading Eldar's memoir and I am really impressed and at the same time surprised by his writing. It is really emotional though the only word he uses is sad, but Eldar's sad is like an explosion of a bomb. Because you realize that a guy that always smiles and that never shares his feelings can feel sad. And he is keeping all this sadness inside.

* * *

It is still Thursday, but it is already 10 p.m. when I am writing this. I am really sad that Eldar is leaving and I think that I am going to be depressed without him, though nobody is going to find, because I am a terminator and I don't have feelings. (You think it's not true Ms. Austin, okay, never mind. I am not judging you for that. Because I kind of do have feelings, but only sometimes, in critical situations. And no matter what I always keep them inside me, in a suitcase that is locked forever. Because I am a terminator, and I always will be.) This day means a lot to me, because this is the day of my life when I lost one of the only friends I have and I realized that friendship is not about who you spend the most time with, it's about who you have the best time with and who is actually there for you. I recognized that Eldar wasn't just a friend to me, he was more than that. He was more of an annoying older brother that you just have and can't get rid of, but at the same time, he was always there for you when you really needed help. Right now it feels that I have known him forever. This is the day when I really got to meet the "real" Eldar and not the "fake" one that I have always known, and I truly think that I only got to know a tiny piece of the "real" Eldar. I wish I knew more about him, but he is not the type of person who will tell you, so no wishing about that! I also realized that you only know you "love" someone (as a friend) when you let him go. Because once I realized that he is not coming to school tomorrow, I didn't really want to go there myself. Bu† I still have to go, I guess I don't have a reason not to. I still have a lot to think about like why did he move back to Kazakhstan? How does he feel right now? I wonder how will his future be at a new school with new people? And I wonder how will I survive the whole school year without him and many more school years afterwards? I know that I will miss Eldar and that I will be sad without him being around, but as I already said, I am a terminator and I don't have feelings. Or at least I never share them.