when i see people's flaws, i see them as all of the flaws put together are what make you . when i see people being angry or violent i see it as something deeper, something that's much more. and that's another thing i hate. im over analytical, i over analyze everything. i notice too much, i notice how people carry themselves and just little details like that. but one of my biggest fears is forgetting, all the data in my head just adds up so fast that i can't keep up with it all. i remember moments of when i felt things, whether it was for 30 seconds or for most of my life. i hate my mind because i can't control the way i think, i hate the way i shut down in front of other people. i feel guilty every time i cry in front of someone. i always feel like im taking up their time and they don't get enough time to talk about themselves. all that matters to me is other people and how happy they are and if they are getting enough attention. i can't think about myself...i need to think about other people first. i've made too many mistakes for anyone to care about me. that's just how it is. i feel like i shouldn't even be sorry. because what if i'm not? i just can't end up like my dad. i need to feel okay but i don't deserve to and there is so much controversy in my head that i can't even think straight. i'm a prisoner not only of myself but to my mom. she won't let me talk to anyone and i have to go straight home everyday. she is teaching me to isolate. and i'm okay with it. but once i get everything back i don't know what i'm going to do. sometimes i just want to ask if someone could keep my pillow dry for one night. because lately the only one there for me is alcohol and maybe some bud once in awhile. all i do is stop eating for days just so i can be so exhausted that i have to sleep. only to get away from everything. that's been my only escape for awhile now. and i hate how alone it feels. i hate how my only cry for help is a sappy wattpad story that nobody is going to read. fuck.
