Alexander's POV
I'm broken. I must be. I'm sixteen, boys my age are suppose to want to deflower woman. I don't. I just want to kiss them, give them flowers, talk to them, hold them close, I don't want to touch them there, I don't want them to touch me there. I'm broken in two ways. Men are suppose to like woman not men, yet... I like both, I want to hold a woman, with their soft fragile bodies and fair skin, I also wasn't to be held by a man, with their strong muscular arms and rough skin. I'm broken...
I'm broken. I love John Laurens, he's a gorgeous specimen, he's a good head taller than me, lean and muscular, large calloused hands, amazing mess of blonde hair, defined features, gorgeous light blue eyes. Unfortunately he doesn't share my romantics, he is too proud to show any softness, he likes holding me down and using me while I beg for him, he likes me sending pleasure through him with my hands, body and even my mouth, I don't enjoy it... But it makes him happy... It makes him affectionate... It makes him stay... I should like it... I hate the way it feels, but I pretend I love it, pretend it makes me happy. I do love him, I truly and completely love him, it isn't his fault. I'm broken.
I'm broken. I love Elizabeth Schuyler. She's amazing, I don't love John any less, I love them equally, I suppose that's another way I'm broken. Eliza, my dearest, Betsey, my wife. She's sweet and shares all of my affection, we both adore surprising each other with gifts, she's certainly more loving than my Laurens. Unfortunately, she is in fact perfect, so she wants the feeling of pleasure, I will provide her with it and once more, just as I do with my Laurens, pretend I love it just as much as her. I will make sure she's happy, I'd do anything to please her. I don't deserve her... She deserves someone who isn't broken... I'll pretend I'm not broken... So she won't leave me for a man who will provide for her needs... I already lack the money and status... If I can't give her this she'll surely leave... I'm broken.
I'm broken. I'm so stressed. Laurens died, it must have been a long time ago but it just doesn't feel like it. Eliza along with Angelica (whom I love just as much as John and Eliza) and my children are with my father in law for the summer. I'm alone. What if she realizes she doesn't need me? What if she leaves me? Jefferson and Madison and even Burr are on me about my financial system, they want me out of office, if I can't get this plan through they'll get what they desire. I can't. Eliza will leave me if I lose my money. I hear a knock. A woman is at the door, she looks sad. Her husband hurts her. She needs money. I give her money. I walk her home. I tell her I should be going. She takes my arm and brings me to her room. She wants pleasure. She wants it from me. I shouldn't. She looks so sad. I suppose it means nothing. I do it. I hate it. I try to talk to her. I want a connection. I want there to be some reason. She's very nice. She's broken. Just like me. She likes women. I tell her I like both and I don't like the feeling that gives other pleasure. We never give each other pleasure after that. We talk. I bring flowers. We don't kiss. We hug. We cuddle. Her husband found out. He thinks all we did was pleasure. He threatens to tell Eliza. She'll hate me. My enemies find out. I tell Eliza. She hates me now. I write. Everyone hates me. Maria doesn't hate me though. We secretly converse through letters. I'm broken.
I'm broken. Philip is dead. Eliza forgave me. I pleasure her. I cried. She wants to know why. I tell her I don't like it. I expect her to leave. She doesn't. She hugs me. We don't pleasure anymore. I give her extra affection to make up for it. She does the same. Time passes. I help Jefferson become president. Burr's mad. I don't care. He challenges me. I say yes. I'm dying. I love John and Eliza, I also love Lafayette, Angelica and Mulligan. I find a close friend and confidant in Maria. I see John. I tell him. He says he still loves me. Tells me I should of said something. He kisses me. Eliza stays by my side until I take my final breath. I'll see her again. I'm broken. I can't be fixed. I am loved.
