Stop Fighting It

18. Okay

 MITCH'S POV:

I smelled coffee. I smelled apple and cinnamon. I smelled something else nice, but couldn't place it.

My face was smooshed into a fluffy, thick pillow. My body felt like it was half-buried in warm sand. I could tell there was light even with my eyes closed. But my eyes weren't really interested in exerting the energy to open.

I smelled coffee. I wanted coffee. Maybe if I shifted a little, it would just jump into my mouth.

I tried to push myself up and things changed dramatically. My body no longer felt like it was half-buried in warm sand. It felt like someone had picked it up and dropped it several times and left me here. I dropped back into starting position.

Wait. I am starting to remember. Yes, yeah, okay, yeah. I WAS picked up and dropped several times. Oh my god, Scott. I moaned a little bit.

Wait, there had been the clicking of a keyboard a little while ago. It was soft and didn't really register, but now it's stopped. The clicking had been right next to me. Scott.

Shit. He's next to me. He picked me up and dropped me a lot last night and now he's typing next to me. Or was typing next to me. I feel that side of the bed dip and hear his steps walking around the bed. I hear a little bit of shuffling and then the smell of coffee, apple and cinnamon is a lot stronger, a lot closer. I can hear maybe a chair being pulled close to me? Damn it, I can feel him staring at me.

"I know you're awake. Here, sit-up. I have some Ibuprofin, water, coffee and some scones."

I groan and get myself in a sitting position with my back up against the back board of the bed. He pats down my crazy bed hair and hands me a glass of water and Ibuprofin. I swallow those down. He takes the water glass back and hands me my precious coffee and a yummy scone.

He allows me a few minutes of blissful coffee drinking.

"I know what you're thinking."

"Okay," I said. "Shoot." I grumble, mumble, not quite awake.

"You're thinking, 'What was that?' You are worried what that means. You don't want it to mean that. Or maybe you do. But you don't know. What if everything goes wrong?"

"And you're an asshole," I finished for him. Although he joined me in saying "asshole."

"Fine. So give me details, give me answers."

"Well, I hope you remember at least some of the details because it was the best sex I've ever had. This means that we are dating. I know you think you might not want to because you are scared of hurting me, hurting yourself and mostly hurting us. It can go wrong, but not dating hasn't been wrong-free either."

There's silence while I process and take more sips of coffee.

"I'm sorry I didn't say yes before. It's my fault you had your accident, lost your eye, almost killed yourself and set-back PTX," I mutter between sips.

"You were not obligated to say yes before. You weren't sure before, you had doubts. There isn't anything wrong with that. None of it is your fault, I couldn't deal with rejection. I'm the idiot that drove drunk. I did that. I'm the one who tried to kill myself. I was the one that was stupid and weak. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I made those decisions."

"Scawwwt." I put my hand on his shoulder. I just want to hug his regrets away. "You are the strongest, most positive person I've ever met. You are perfect."

"Was. I was perfect. And then I wasn't. One thing, granted a big thing, but one thing didn't go my way and I didn't know how to deal with it. I wasn't strong. I doubted myself."

I didn't know what to say. We just sat silent for a minute.

"I've been talking a lot with a counselor and I'm taking anti-depressants. I feel broken. I used to think I could take care of you, protect you, I could be strong for you. But I'm not that person anymore. I need someone to help me, protect me, be strong for me. Not all the time. I have to do it for myself too. But I do need help.

Honestly, I don't know if I'm good enough for you anymore, but I think not knowing, not trying isn't a good option either. I... I want to try if you are willing. But you should know that if we date, I am this new, not improved, but more broken Scott."

I had been sipping my delicious coffee and nibbling on my scone, but stopped in the middle of his confession and I was now just sitting, staring at the new, broken Scott.

"Scott. I don't know what to say. I know I was afraid of being your boyfriend before because I was worried about ruining our friendship and PTX if it didn't work out, but I think now I see there may have been more.

I don't think I felt good enough for you. You know I'm a mess. I'm fidgety, nervous, anxious. I'm not a positive person like you. I have dark thoughts, mean thoughts. I'm lazy and want things done for me. I... I just ... didn't want to bring you down I guess.

I do want you to be my boyfriend now but not because you are broken. But because I want to try. I never felt pain like the pain I felt when I got the phone call from the San Bernadino police and I thought for a minute that you were dead. I felt like every cell in my body was exploding one by one. I collapsed on the floor and I didn't think I could or wanted to get up. Kevin, of course, talked to the police and got the right information from them right away. So I didn't suffer long, but ... it scared me. I didn't know what to do with it. I think maybe I thought if I could find someone else, I could put some distance between me and that pain if something happened to you again.

And then when you took those pills. I... I just don't know." I laughed a little bit and said, "I never thought of you as perfect Scott. I do know you. I do know about your own mean and dark thoughts. I've seen you lazy, nowhere as lazy as me, but still. I know you had flaws. But yeah, I think maybe I needed you more than you needed me.

I don't see you as broken now Scott. But I do want to help you. Maybe I feel more useful you needing a little bit of help from me. Is that wrong? Twisted?"

Scott took my coffee and scone and put it on the night stand. He rolled onto the bed and tugged me down into a laying position and just curled himself over me like I was a little teddy bear.

"No, it's not wrong. It's not twisted. I do need you. I needed you before, but maybe I didn't realize it as much as I do now. Or I now realize the way I needed you was different. Before, I needed you like a prize. Now, I need you like you are my other half."