2 am thoughts

The truth

Why am i the way that i am?
Why can't i be someone else ? Anybody else?

I've always wanted to be the pretty girl.
The athletic funny girl.
The girl everyone wanted to be friends with.
The girl who can make friends with anyone and everyone.
The girl everyone wanted.

But no, instead i'm the ugly girl.
The shy girl.
The girl no one knew.
The girl they called the ugly duckling.
The girl who looked like a boy.

The girl who's scared to talk, just incase i say something  wrong.
The girl who can't even get up to go to the bathroom without having an anxiety attack.
The girl who sits in the dark alone, crying.
Crying herself to sleep.
Crying for "no reason"

But no one will know that girl.
No, never.

I'll be the girl who "doesn't care what people think"
The girl who's always smiling.
The "free spirit"
The girl who just "doesn't give a fuck"

But for how long can this girl pretend?

Pretend everythings okay?
Pretend she's happy?
Pretend i'm happy..?

The truth about this girl..
Is that she's sad.
Shes hurting.
She does give a fuck.
And she isn't happy.

I tell people i don't give a fuck.
I tell myself i don't give a fuck.
But i know that's not true.
I give a fuck. I give a huge fuck.

I care what people say about me.
I care about what they think.
Why?
Who knows.

Every single little thing gets to me. Whether  it hits me right then or as time goes on. It all affects me.

I'm weak.
Plain and simple.

I cry over everything.
I used to be able to hold myself together.
But it's getting harder and harder as time goes on.

I'm breaking. And i know it.
And i've tried telling people.
But they think i'm joking or i'm so strong for realising i'm going down a dark dark hole.

But just because i'm realising i'm going down the wrong path doesn't mean i'm gonna turn around and find the right one. I'm running out of strength.
I'm running out of motivation.

I'm tired of people telling me i'm so strong.
I'm tired of people having such high expectations of me.
I tired of trying so hard.

People tell me how "amazing" i am. And what a great friend i am.

But the truth is i'm not.
I'm not amazing and i'm not a great friend.
I hurt everyone who comes near me.
Not intentionally.... It just kinda happens.
I'm confusing.
I'm hard to be friends with.