Let Him Go

3:11pm

1

whats one more?

2

another one won't hurt

3

i should stop

4

I can't stop

I lowered the blade closer to my already sliced open wrist, blood spilling out, all over my hands and down my arms, staining my shirt. But I wouldn't care. Nothing seems to matter anyway.

I was about to go for a 5th time at one time, till I heard someone open the front door.

"Shit." I mumbled. I knew it was Candice. She was home from work, I should have known. I quickly stood up from the edg of our bed. Blood still coming out of the new cuts, I knew I had to clean them up quickly and wrap them.

I did my all too normal routine. Wash, dry, wrap. Wasn't too deep today. Some would ask, "why even do it if you aren't doing it to kill yourself?" Self harm isn't about that, sometimes all you want is to die, but you're not nessissarily self harming to die. It's for control, feeling something, the pain, the sting, the addiction.

I quickly put on a clean long sleeved shirt and lied back down on the bed. I turned the volume up on the tv and waited for Candice.

Soon I heard her darling voice. "Calum? Where are you babe?"

"I'm up in our room!" I yelled. I slipped under the covers because I was freezing but too tired to get up and turn off the fan.

The door open and Candice stood there looking gorgeous as ever.

At 5'10, a South African Victoria Secret Angel, fashion and runway model. Her blond curled hair bounces off her slender shoulders. Blue piercing eyes could capture any guy, but I'm lucky enough to have her.

"Hey cal! How are you?" she lied on the left side of the bed and put the back of her hand on my forehead.

"I'm fine," I faked smiled. Probably not going to tell her about how I just cut and before that I vomited up the sand which she made me before she left. "How was your shoot?"

"It was great! Mostly bikini poses and all but it was so nice to go back to the beach," she laughed. I could never get tired of hearing that sound. "What have you been doing for the past 4 hours?"

I hesitated. "I talked to Luke." not completely a lie. Just that I talked to Luke yesterday. "And I went out side to relax a bit." Again, not completely a lie either. I just didn't tell her that I went out side to go on a run to burn off the calories I may have consumed from that sand which, and running does relax me.

"Sounds like you had a very productive day so far. How about we get cleaned up and go over to Ashton and Taylor's flat? Taylor was at the shoot today as well and she was saying how much she missed seeing you," Candice sighed. "I know you like your space but you should be around more people, especially your best friend Ashton."

I thought for a minute before responding. They have a pool, would we go swimming? Would I have to take off my shirt and show my disgusting body and all my scars? Is there going to be food?

You can't go Calum. You will get fat if you eat. People will make fun of you. Stay in bed all day. Keep cutting, that's what you deserve.

That voice. That voice that never leaves me alone. It's there 24/7, telling me I'm not enough, and quite frankly, I believe it.

"I don't know..."
"Please Calum. I really want to spend time with you and be with Taylor and Ashton. Please?" she begged with puppy dog eyes. How could I say no to those?

"Fine," I smirked. "Only one condition."

"And what's that?" She giggled.

"You don't give up on me." I stuck out my pinky finger and she hooked her's around mine.

"I promise."