Look After Me

Chapter 5: Cold Spaghetti

“Oh come on. It’s not like he doesn’t like you, Hann.” Collins was sitting half in, half out of the open window, smoking.

I watched her closely, just in case she decided to lose her balance, “It’s not like you just shut out someone you love though.”

“Don’t be so naïve. Your brother died, your TWIN brother died.” She looked at my face, before moving on “Sorry, hun, but ya’ll look similar. It’s going to take some time.”

“Could you be anymore insensitive right now.” I rolled my eyes, successfully managing the pit in my stomach. “How am I supposed to manage if I don’t have Garret?”

She took a long drag, exhaling out of her nose. “It’s not like you’d talk to him about Noah anyway. You’ve been avoiding that conversation since I got here.”

Ignoring her observation, my hands found my hips and I came up behind her. “Will you come inside, please? You’re freaking me out.”

“Your wish is my command, babe.” She took one last drag, flicking the cigarette to the ground and stood up, turning towards me. She smiled, and blew smoke in my face, slowly, leaning in to kiss me, I dodged her and stepped back.

 “What the hell, Hanna.”

“I know you think you’re real cool, doing that but you aren’t.” I turned, walking towards the door to the back stairs. Since that morning, everything that used to be fun with her, left me feeling guilty.

“Does this have to do with Garret? This is just for fun, babe, it’s not like you’re cheating on anyone.” She was walking after me now.

“I like him! And you’re ruining it with your blonde hair and your fake boobs and your stupid face!” I yelled. There was a knot in my throat that just kept getting higher and higher.

She stopped in her tracks, face going blank. “What is that supposed to mean? Do you not want me here?”

“I didn’t say that.” I said, shaking my head, my eyes were filling with tears. “I’m just saying that you’re complicating things.”

“With my appearance? I’m complicating things with my appearance?” Her voice was rising now, too. “How does the way I look effect anything?” She was backing me against the door now.

“Dammit Collins!” tears in full flow now “I need space! Give me space!”

“Oh I get it,” She was in my face now, voice deathly low “you don’t want me touching you.” She sounded viscous.

I could smell the smoke on her breath, enticing me. I swallowed hard as she leaned on me, lips brushing my neck.

I closed my eyes “I can’t,” I said, pushing her back, gently. “I’m sorry.”

Her shoulders fell and she looked confused, playing with the huge rock on her ring finger absentmindedly.

“You can go back home, I can take care of myself.” I whispered.

She frowned but nodded. “Okay… Call me if you need me, I guess.” She cleared her throat and turned to grab her pack of cigarettes and lighter from my bed. “I love you, Hanna. Don’t hesitate to ask if you need anything.”

And she was gone.

By the time I cleaned up my face and headed downstairs, the only thing left of her was the faint smell of smoke.

Garret was sitting on the couch, watching TV and shoveling food into his mouth. He watched me wordlessly as I walked to the kitchen and again as I came back, plate piled high with noodles and meat sauce. I sat next to him, Indian style.

“I sent her home.” I signed. Our legs were touching.

“I noticed.” He just watched me.

I ate a few bites, the silence between us was palpable, he still watched me.

“I thought maybe you would talk to her, if you wouldn’t talk to me.”

My heart suddenly felt heavy, heavier than before.

I broke down.

The tears felt as though they would never stop, dripping into my food. My chest heaved painfully.

Once when I was seven, I wondered out to a damaged part of the island to some old uninhabited mansions. People would abandon their houses after hurricanes because the cost to fix the damage was just too much more than the house themselves. Most of the houses were resold, but some of them just rotted away. I found one in particular that I wanted to explore. The windows were still boarded and the bright paint was flaking off in huge sheets. As I pushed my way in a back door, the smell was overwhelming. That of rotting boards, mildew and ocean water. There was still furniture in all the rooms and even some food in the cabinets, but sand was everywhere. I remember walking through one of the many hallways, thinking that this once beautiful mansion should be my new clubhouse. The next thing I know, the floor beneath me gave way. I fell all the way to the sandy ground, shattering my left leg from the knee down and badly bruising my pelvis. I laid there, under the stilted house, for what seemed like eternity, unable to move, just screaming for someone, anyone to come rescue me. It was Noah who came to my rescue, carrying me to the nearest convenient store and calling for an ambulance.

Right now, as I sat, weeping bitterly on the sofa, I needed my brother. Everything felt like it was crashing down around me and it felt like he was the only one who could save me.

But he couldn’t. He never would again.

When the tears thinned out and I could breathe without feeling like I was falling apart, I opened my eyes. Sometime in my thirty minute sob session, both of us had moved.

I relaxed, my muscles ached. I was sitting in Garret’s lap, chest to chest, his arms wrapped tight around me. His shirt was soaked from tears and more likely than not, snot.

I inhaled slowly, a shaking breath and sat up, he released me. His face was red with tears as well.

He managed to keep his voice steady, “I’m sorry.”

I stayed silent.

“I couldn’t look at you without seeing him, Hannah..”

I looked down, guilty, but his gentle hand on my cheek lifted my gaze. “I couldn’t talk to him about us. I couldn’t tell him that he was right about us. I couldn’t ask him what to do when you stopped eating. I’m having to figure this out on my own. How to take care of you like he did. And all I really know right now, is that I need you, and I can’t heal without you. But I didn’t think I was doing the same for you.”

A sudden rush of anger hit me like a wall, “And what made you think that? That you had to invite my MARRIED slutty ex-girlfriend down here for some ‘female bonding time’ to cheer me up, when you could have just did it yourself!” he smirked, “ It’s not like you didn’t know what you were doing to me last night.”

I pushed myself off his lap, he looked amused, “Oh, don’t be so clueless!” I bounded upstairs, my stomach giving a strong protest at my room temperature spaghetti on the coffee table.