The Handmaid's Tale - Original Content

Janine - A Monologue

Janine: They are making me leave. The household I mean. It's okay, I understand. I failed. However, I didn't anticipate this wave of disappointment, that's not only clearly evident in their faces, but that's like a heavy millstone around my neck, sinking and drowning and suffocating me every second of the day into the depths of my own despair.

Funny how easy it is to pack when you own so little. Almost like you weren't even there. I guess that would be better; save me the humiliation. But I understand, I really do. I don't blame them. I didn't succeed in what I'm expected to.

It's just so frustrating, when I tried so very hard, when I gave it my all. It's cruel to get so close to the finish line, so close to relief and then fall square on your face. Twice. I needed this one. I needed this one to work out okay. I did everything. Everything they asked for I was there. I was the first one there. Every single time I worked harder than any of the other ones out there. Getting this baby was all that mattered. Yet why did I fail?

I still don't know how. How could I have messed this up? Why is it that after giving it my all, I still can't win? They took her, even when she was supposed to be salvation, a gift; she felt more like a shot to my gut. I sacrificed her to be free, yet I am chained once again and carrying a bigger load than before.

I even did the unspeakable; I sought for this baby in the darkest of rooms. Because he said it would work out. He said it was the only way, he said the Commander was probably sterile. Yet it didn't, so the only possible solution is that I did this. She is flawed because of me. Because of me. What's wrong with me?

I was supposed to be the one, the one who gave them a child, a healthy one, pink cheeks, small toes, a laughter as loud and striking as its cries. The Aunts, they knew this, they trusted me, but I failed to fulfill my role. The most basic and sole responsibility that women have, and I can't even do it.

My fault, my fault, my fault.

This is what I was supposed to do, what I worked so hard for; for nothing?

What am I now?

How can I be what they say I am when I can't carry out the most simple and essential of tasks?

Whatever happens I deserve.

I can't anymore. I can't. I can't. I can't.

(Sobs and hides face. Draws away hands and looks at them, confused. Then looks at her stomach, longing in her face.)

(Looks up, almost surprised. There is a stiffness to her body, rigid. Her eyes look through everyone and seem to not focus. There's a hint of a smile on her face and hands shake. She's dazed, almost as if her body is on auto pilot and only going through motions.)

Hi there. How are you doing? Some coffee?

(Keeps staring at one spot on the wall while talking. Almost robotically.)

You have a nice day.