Day to Day

Day 1

The counselor said that writing in this journal would help. Not entirety sure how. I'll still feel horrible. I guess I'll try anyways. So I'm supposed to write down my feelings or something along those lines. I guess I'll figure it out as I go. It's bad when my brother, Joseph, agreed with the counselor. I guess they must be on to something.

Might as well start now while I'm not busy. I am not a fan of my life. My dad is becoming my mom. My oldest brother is a failure and my whole world is upside down due to it. I can't focus I'm school. I mean I couldn't in the first place but this isn't helping. I see the arguments that happen. I hear the slamming of doors, the pounding of fists on the wall, and the tires squealing as one of my parents drive off angrily.

I'm sure everything will be fine. Yeah like that will ever happen. I'll just be Jacob Yolkel, weird kid that just keeps to himself. I just sit in class and watch the debates between students in the meaning of what an author wrote. One group feeling one way and another group feels another. I just watch annoyed cause they just repeat points over and over again like a broken record. The one time I speak up I'm immediately shut down by everyone on how I'm wrong. I just decide to draw in my notebook, not listening to anyone or anything looking up from time to time to hear what the teacher has to say.

I miss most of the lesson. Though I had no interest in it any ways. Besides the point. I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide there for the rest of my life. My dad, or should I say my other mom can't handle the truth we have to say. "She'll" often turn away from us and not talk whenever we spoke up about how we felt. I feel awful but "She"needs to know. Though I haven't said anything... yet.

The night is burned into my mind. I had just gotten home from chess club and dad had called us over to his computer chair. He had a letter in his hand. He hands it to us and it says he has gender dysphoria. I play it off as a joke and even call him out on it. He tells me its not a joke. I freeze. Like a deer in the headlights I stand there. I then b- line for my bedroom and slam the door behind me. I click on my DS and start playing Mario hoping that I could forget what I was just told and that the got you was just around the corner and things would be fine again. It never happened. My dad walked into my room and I was hyperventilating and on the verge of passing out. I kind of wish I had. I might have forgotten why I passed out in the first place.

Later that night we had gone to our grandmother's house and I was I. Tears and upset. I'm not sure why I was upset. Could it be that I'm losing a male in my life or that what was happening on T.V was happening in real life. I guess I'll never know. Though I don't really care at this point. I just wanna be normal again. I've gotta get to bed. This hasn't helped me at all. I guess it's one of those things that takes time to like and feel better about. I probably won't sleep. Wouldn't surprise me. I'll write more tomorrow.