RANT | a diary

shitty arguments and growing up.

This is my second day in a row writing, and I feel surprisingly good. Although I'm still sort of at a creative standstill, I remain positive that I'll soon regain my spark of inspiration. I know this writing feels really formal, but I've been really trying to get myself into the habit of using proper grammar and all of that good shit; it's healthy. So, let's have a chat.

Today I realized that I'm not exactly a child, anymore. I can no longer play on the playground, I don't have recess, and lunch doesn't seem so long, anymore. Things like these are just now coming full-circle to me, and are making it clear to me that I can't be as carefree as I used to be when I was younger. College is stressing me out beyond belief, and I'm scared for my entire life that I won't get accepted to my top schools. Even though I still have almost a year to get everything together, I have so many things I need to do in order to be fully prepared for when the time comes to send in my applications.

I've come to realize that as I get older, things don't seem to get any less confusing or any clearer to me. Actually, I feel like things just sort of overall become worse. Nothing is as simple as wondering what time recess is at, or what stuffed animal you're going to bring to show-and-tell on Friday. Now, I'm worried about the number of cited sources on my college research paper, the number of books I'm reading for one class, and how I'm going to pay my college tuition. Nothing is as easy as it seems when you're a kid. I used to think that my parents had everything figured out, but now that I'm getting to the point where I can understand what they're going through, I see that they don't. In their defense, I don't think anyone does.

Along with the realization of growing up comes the arguments you're forced to face. Sometimes they're caused by you, and sometimes they're a result of something that's been slowly rising to the point of breakage. I've noticed that I argue with my mom and with my dad, and I think it's because I've discovered my voice, and I refuse to keep things quiet when I know I can make myself heard. Sometimes it's a shitty thing to do, but arguing is the reason that we can find harmony. Having the ability to take a deep breath and find an inner balance that results in peace makes the arguing worth the breath. I think it makes relationships stronger, too, sometimes. 

These are just some thoughts I had today whilst I was going through my current situations and realizing that I'm never going to be able to have those little careless worries again and that I have to grow up. It's shitty, I know, but it happens to us all. I dunno, maybe this gave you all a bit of insight, or maybe it depressed you. 

Have a beautiful day, and stay warm. Kisses, .x