My Weekly Demons

Memories From The Past

I remember some parts that my mother would tell me.

"Emily you're useless, why did the Lord bring me a piece of useless filth."

" What did I do to deserve this?"

" Are this your intention, to hurt me?"

"I hate you!"

" I don't even want to be your mother anymore."

" You useless pig."

"You're fat, your nose is big and flat, you're too pale,an outcast, and nobody wants and likes you until you're dead."

"Please do a world a favor and kill yourself."

I was about 13 years old when that happened. All I did was accidentally breaking a glass of water, and it has scarred me until today.

    It got worse as I aged. Every single mistake I made, I would get punished. It's like those overly-dramatic spy movies where lasers are shooting out from every corner and a simple mistake can get you killed or caught. My mother had bright blonde, curly hair that was smooth and tangle free, until a few months after she did drugs which made her hair very dead and tangled.. She isn't that bad, to be completely honest, I don't blame her for being the way that she is. I would bring nothing but trouble, disaster and stress; I was basically the human version of the "Pandora Box". I saw how she tried to be a good mother,but a small mistake can bring the Devil back.

    I was 23 years old, a legal adult, and I still wouldn't leave my mother. She was 49 at that time and a drug addict. My guilt would eat me alive and would not dare me to just leave her. Some parts of me still think I was the main reason why she took those drugs. The drugs were basically an antidepressant for her, since I was the epitome of trouble. The days past and after a few years and months of taking drugs, she overdosed. I took care of her even though she did not do the same to me when I was either ill, or injured. She was still my mother after all, I couldn't leave her when she was in a critical condition. She was pronounced dead on November 22, 2022 at age 49 with her last words being:

"I'm sorry for being a bad and abusive mother, and I cannot express how much guilt I am having. Thank you for staying, I lo.."

I cannot stress on how much I actually wanted her to say she loves me. The last time was when my dad was alive and my mother was normal.

    Now that it's 2050 and I just turned 49, my mother wouldn't leave my mind. She wasn't the best mother, but she's the only mother I will ever have. I learned a lot from her and she made me the person that I am today. I have a very successful pharmacy and a husband that has a degree in psychology where he helps people with depression and we help people who suffer from both physical and mental illnesses. I am happy that my life right now and my daughter is in college right now. My daughter and I were very close, since I do not want to repeat the past and for her to experience what I experienced. I don't want her to hear any of the nasty things that my mother told me. I told my daughter about my life when she turned 18 and she was very happy that I opened up and how I didn't end up like my mother.

    Sometimes forgiving is easier than forgetting, and there's nothing wrong with that. Use the past to lead you on to the future. I know it is not easy to just easily forget your past, but the easiest way is to accept it and live on. Here's a quote from one of my favorite shows/movies, Kung- Fu Panda, " Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."