before i die

iii.

April 18, 2012-- Wednesday, 3:00 AM.

It was a scorching, fervent, humid Friday midnight. I can feel the sweat sticking my hair to my neck; it was almost as if it was leaving a trail of smooth yet smoky evidences in every inch of my pale skin. I was wildly sweating as the cold brush of wind swept amongst my thin, unhealthy body: it was quite unlikely for a scorching midnight such as today, to demonstrate such besoms of chilly breezes, but I did not mind. I began to stare taciturnly on the firmament: it was painted with blissful, effervescent glitters of galaxy's actual individual inscrutability. Each of them were flickering, glimmering, luminously; exceedingly dazzling, it gives the impression as if they were adjacent- a few miles away; accessible, but they weren't so i took a pew like a ghost, pondering how close at hand they were yet simply too distant. It has eternally been as serene and starry every early morning. I am not even certain why it has been my daily routine to wake up in the middle of the night to watch the stars glow across the sky, but all of this started when I was admitted last Sunday. The doctor, Mr. Woods, divulged me that I would be admitted for a week due to my severe bleeding, but he promised me that he would send me out once I sound okay.

I smirked with the concept of sounding okay. I'll never be okay. I'm pretty sure of that. I've accepted the fact that I'll never be. I am not angry, I got sick of it, and I am tired: very tired, I decided to accept my fate and move on with my life. It will never be the same again. It has been my motto lately: my time has come, and so I am leaving with a smile on my face: to a better place, far beyond, and I’m guessing it's better now, because I'm free. To be honest, I don't know if I'm getting better or just used to the pain. I am not sure whether I totally just thought it would be over a few months from now or it was just that I got an imaginary anaesthesia: I got numb with the feeling of someday not being able to wake up. It was much of a mechanism now: I wake up, drink such prescription (that are never working), and all be like ‘Hey! I have a cancer. You should be good to me’ and they would act well in front of me, but I doubt if they would, when I turned my back against them. As they say, there are 1 billion people in this world, and 2 billion faces; which sucks, in my opinion, by the way.

Later did I realize that the clock stroke three o' clock in the morning. I got too preoccupied by my thoughts; i wasn't able to check the time. I haven’t been staying in this place until this much of time now. Which reminds me of last night: I remember asking myself a lot of interrogations, some of which are out of the range, and mostly, about my parents. I probed myself what I should have been. I solicited and thought about all the other prospects if fate gave me the venture. I tried to satisfy my curiosity, whimpered, and desiccated my tears, contemplating about the supplementary entities that should’ve been. I even slumbered with a massive head ache, thinking about how young and immature I was: wondering how my future would go, wishing and craving for more lives to come. It’s funny though, some people commit suicide, not thinking about how beautiful life may be.

I know you envision me as a hopeless, dreadful, depressed patient who thinks of life as one holy shit that any poetic material aren’t adequate to tell you how miserable I was and how anxiety swathed my body since that day onwards, but I’ll be honest here, no I am not: I’ve accepted that fact and I empathetically have to resolve it through optimism and hope. It’s on behalf of me, too. It’s for my prospect and for my loved ones: and so if a cancer patient, like I, could do it, you could to: never give up, my dear reader; smile for you don’t own all the problems in this world.

{hello everybodyi am not exactly sure whether i’ve informed you about this or not; but this book would be a short story with around ten to fifteen chapters. i'm sorry if it took me forever to actually update this book, but from december 25 until january 5 updates would be twice a week, depending on how much time I can give for the book. and starting january 6, updates will be saturdays or sundays. enjoy the book/update and i love you all. thank you for the endless support. i never expected that I would reach this much of love. :)}