Honey Buns

7

*Trigger warning - Suicide*

I don't know how long it is before I end up in the field. As soon as I stop at the clearing, the familiar smell of dry straw and blooming flowers hits me. An ugly cry escapes my throat and next thing I know, I'm shaking and weeping. My knees give in and I crumble to the ground. I sit with my head buried in the curves of knee caps and finally let it all out. All the emotion I had been suppressing over the past six months finally decides to combust. Even during my mother's funeral, I was silent. I couldn't understand how I felt. Heartbroken of course, but mostly... lost. I didn't know how to feel, how to act, whether to cry or yell, be sad or angry. I mean, what are you supposed to do after your own mother shoots herself?

How could she leave us willingly?

How could she leave me?

I try to squeeze myself into an even smaller ball, wrapping my arms around my legs and pressing my knees into my chest as hard as I can, thinking that somehow, by squeezing hard enough, I'd be able to squeeze every single ounce of pain out of me. I rock back and forth, trying to think of the breeze as a comforting blanket, wrapping me up and caressing my skin, assuring me that I'm going to be okay. But after a while, I can't help but get angry. The wind seems to get harsher and I scream and yell until my throat feels raw and dry. My voice begins to crack but I yell even louder, with more rage and even more hostility. I stand up looking straight up to the sky, tears still endlessly spilling out of my eyes and point to it as if she's standing right there above me, in this very moment.

"WHY. WHY US? HOW COULD YOU THIS? YOUR OWN FUCKING FAMILY!?" I continue to scream at her over and over again, thinking that she's somewhere listening.

As my throat begins to get sore, my screams soon turn into sobs. The kind of sobs where you can't control your breathing and can barely say a sentence without stuttering. I open my eyes and see the edge of the cliff with ocean just below, waves crashing furiously into the rocks. My sobs become even more hoarse. I've never been this much of a mess in my whole life. It's all too much and I can't even explain how the fuck I feel to anyone.

Dad is distracting himself with work and is away on trips half the time and Jason is grieving in his own way. It's like when she left, we immediately began to fall apart and we don't know how to fit into each other's lives like we once did.

After god knows how long of me being a total psycho crying in the middle of the field, I end up laying on the dead grass, allowing the breeze to calm me down. I look up at the cloudy sky and just stare for hours, with only my shaky breaths and sniffles keeping me company.

-

By the time I arrive on my driveway, it's almost 10 in the evening.

Fuck, I left school at two. Dad's gonna kill me.

I walk into the front door bracing myself for the biggest telling off of my life but only silence greets me.

Dad must be working late tonight. I allow myself a moment of relief before I hear Jason's voice boom through the house.

"Where the fuck have you been!?" Jason yells, coming out of the living room.

I silently stare at him walking towards me, too drained to even respond. I close the door without saying a word and start to walk up the stairs.

"Darya, get your ass down here. You've been M.I.A for over 8 hours! I was out looking for you all afternoon, I even missed fucking practice!" He yells, standing at the base of the steps.

"I'm sorry for being such a fucking inconvenience to your day," I reply coldly and storm off to my room. I slam the door behind just to piss him off even more. I throw my bag on the ground and crash land on my bed.