EMTPY NEST

I've come to the conclusion over the last couple of days that getting older doesn't always mean wiser.  My life hasn't always been easy or perticulerly happy, but the one shinning part in it all has been my children. 

From the moment they were born they were my soul reason for waking up in the morning and surviving when so many times I just wanted to say fuk it.  From their first words and first steps, it gave me hope that there was something better out there for me to look forward to.

Through many ups and downs i've held on to them with every bit of love that my twisted and shattered heart could manage. Watching each one of them reach a mile stone in their young lives as they went to their first day of school and even their very first sleepover with friends has filled me with pride. 

I don't know who it was harder for when I left each one of them in their classroom as they grow old enough to attend school.

As the years went by my emotional depenence on them became something that was too strong to live without. It was so wrong of me to put them in that position without them even being aware of it. My very exicistance revolves around my kids but they have all grown up now and have their own lives with loving partners and children of their own.

Each and every one of them couldn't make me more prouder and I am truely happy for them all. And seeing this is what my greatest problem is. I can't cut the apron strings, and I really need to for my own sanity if for nothing else.

Yesterday was the first Christmas that not all the of my kids shared with me and I was devistated. I couldn't really deal with this so I did the stupid thing and got drunk of my ass. I'm not reguler drinker, maybe a few times a year so drinking the amount I did was very idiotic.

Didn't solve my problems. So now I will sit in my empty nest and wait for one of my children to brighten me up.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING THIS RANT