To Serve and Protect

Chapter 10 - Importance

You punch me; I don't take it. I punch back...It's no good for anyone's self-respect to go through life as a punching bag. - Anonymous

Chapter 10 - Importance

Holden-

"I'm not going to say it."

"But you want to."

"I sure as hell want to. I can't believe you. Why couldn't you have just talked with her like I told you? She might have been mad, but she would understand. Now...?"

Jilllian's words grate on my last nerve as my mind is still reeling from the knowledge that Helen left with Gavin. They have plans for a date on Tuesday, and by the way they were talking it's not the first one. "What's so important about Tuesday? No one makes a Tuesday date," Jillian says more to herself than to me.

"It's her birthday. We just celebrated early because of the concert, but she'll be 23 on Tuesday."

"Wow, I know she looks young, but the way she acts I thought she was older than that." In all seriousness she turns to look at me as he drives out of town. "If you don't talk to her soon, I will."

The words sit between us, as I weigh my options. She interrupts my thoughts with, "You know the first day I met you, you were a lot happier than you are now. You worry about everybody else, but what about you? Don't you deserve to be happy?"

These are not new words for me; this conversation started the night Helen kissed Joel. It was focused more on Helen's right to be happy, but this time Jillian is turning the tables.

"She's miserable you know. She still wants you. I see it even though she tries to hide it, she still wants you." I look over to see Jillian's expressions, to check her honesty. "I saw you smile at her tonight, and I watched her take a breath. Then, she saw me, and she hid the way she feels. You're not doing her any favors."

"Why are you telling me this, again?"

"Because you're a man and an idiot, which most of the time those two things go together anyway. If you want her to be happy, go back to her and confess. Apologize. Because right now she's miserable."

"It didn't look that way when she got into his vehicle."

"She is. Why don't you take her out somewhere you used to go while you were dating."

"I never really took her out anywhere."

"Idiot!" Her hands flew up and came down on her legs with a slap. "I guess you're going to have to up your game, because right now she has someone willing to spend time with her in public on her birthday."

"Shit," I curse under his breath. "He's 46 fucking years old."

"Maybe so, but he is man enough to ask her out in front of everyone. Even with the age difference, she must not feel like she's someone's dirty little secret with him."

"I never..."

"Yes you did. The moment you wanted her but didn't want her, you made the relationship dirty. And by what she was saying the other night, you pretty much took what you wanted and left her wondering what she did wrong."

By the time I was able to drop Jillian off at the apartment building, I had been schooled for an hour and a half. With my mind made up to come clean with Helen, I head to her house. I'm not sure of everything I would tell her, but I'm not wasting any more time.

Wiping the sweat from the palms of my hands, I knock on the door. There is no light or sound. I wait, but there's nothing. Looking at the time, she should be home by now. I left twenty minutes after Helen and Gavin, and I even took Jillian home, first.