My Soul

Fear

I guess habits are truly hard to break. A year later and I am still addicted to this website and still watch TV insistently.  To be fair to myself I do this now mainly out of habit and find that more often than not I am merely going through the action of the habit; the things I read or watch do not truly capture my attention. Hmph maybe that wasn’t to my favor.  Yet this lack of interest has now become like second nature to me, nothing I move through truly fascinates me for longer than 24 hours. The books I should read I find riveting but the moment I place them down I disengage and cannot return. My ideas are constant but my actions very few in comparison. I think constantly but do not act, to be more precise I am a perfectionist; I either act constantly at a pace or I do not at all. I rant insistently within myself about the things I should and haven’t done and then later find a way to avoid doing them.

 In the last year not only have I managed to scrap through my A levels with no true regard but made it into a university that is amazing and yet unless I forcibly make myself avoid certain process’/habits that make me procrastinate I will still not engage in reality. Furthermore it seems that the reality I live in has now begun to rub against me like an allergy. Not only am I constantly offending my close family members with my hypercusis but I can’t seem to shake it off. I sometimes imagine myself as a willing victim self barricaded in a corner of flannel cushions. All for the cause of avoiding unnecessary pain to those whom are close to me … I wonder if this will also occur with my future partner, if so I feel like even though I want a partner in the long run it will not be fair to them to be beside me if their breathing or presence would become one of my hearing triggers.

I do not want to make some one else feel the way I have made my mother feel with the feelings such a situation gives me. Can you imagine it; my partner comes to me wanting to talk as we lay in bed and I’m barley coping with their breathing next to me, as they start talking to me in a whisper or even a normal voice. I would either snap at them or run out the room or worse I would be so terrified of displaying such actions towards them that I would lay there listening to them whilst trying to block them out and feeling like my skin is on end and my chest is sealing my throat tight … and… holding back with all my might as I wish to stop my self from wanting to lash out at something because of my self loathing for allowing and not being able to control such situations from occurring.  Thwat should not happen in an innocent and intimate conversation between two people who love each other.

I never wish to place somebody who is meant to be so precious to me in the same situations I have placed my family in for over a year now. Its too soul destroying for both them and me.