My Soul

25 Nov 2012- avoiding school work again

I study photography and whilst I do enjoy it I find myself feeling as if it is lacking, I see others who photograph non-stop and constantly feel like they have to capture a moment, anything, something. Yet I stand and watch, sometimes read about their speculation and passion. I see them photograph and breathe photography – like William Klien – but I have yet to experience that depth. I constantly feel like my method of viewing is still limited. Is it the lens I use or the camera body which constrict me still? In my personal statement I state the longer I immerse myself in photography my breadth of view heightens, I say this but like every other aspects of myself I doubt it. I know that without the camera I see the world like a sieve I process everything but nothing really sticks or remains, mainly all I get are pesky droplets that make me wonder if the path I have chosen is the right one.

 I never complete my work and always read on this website, it’s a habit that has gone so bad that I can no longer open the internet without making sure to check and see if there is anything I can read on here. It consumes me to the point that I do nothing else like an old hermit, I ponder and aimlessly look at the computer screen reading tales of accounts that make me wish that maybe aspects of them were my life. I do so knowing fully that such aspects would not be acquired if I do not go out and get my knees back in shape after the pathetic accident that made me stop believing in sport. Or more accurately in my ability to reach the heights in sports that I wished to reach even though I never gelled or fitted in with those who were part of the sports world that I existed in.

 I could put it down to my laziness or the fact that I never feel like my actions are correct in the British mentality/method of doing things. Simple thing like interacting with each other; don’t get me wrong I do have friends whom I socialize with regularly. I go out to the theatre nearly every other week with my grandma, proudly, and feel deprived if I don’t visit a gallery every two months (at the least).

However that is not the points and rather more a great way to exhibit my wondering mind, don’t you think? Thus I shall go back and get on track once more. I wished to talk about myself and a camera, I said that I saw life like a sieve with only its pesky remnants upon which I focus and truly internalize.  

I had my driving test the other day, 2 minors and 1 major, because of the one major I failed the otherwise perfect test. On the way back to school my driving instructor told me that I am her only student ever, whom she can’t read. She went on to say that any of her other student she can see what their thinking about when their driving but with me she can’t, which scares her and in a sense I agree with her. I failed that test because I did not register the fact that there were five clear road markings telling me it was a no entry sign.

You see I saw them, all five of them and I can tell you exactly where they were placed on the road and pavements but I did not register them until the examiner made motion to put his foot down on the break. Until then I did not see them of importance.

 I have come to the feeling that, that is how I see most of the motion with which I go through life. I see them but do not register them internally.

 Yet how does this relate to the camera? I guess it relates because when I place my eye in the view finder it distorts the world and makes the view so big that I can’t just digest it and move on, I get stuck.

Yet, even though this occurs I don’t rush of and capture tones of photos and feel the strong urge to jump out my chair and rush of to photograph. Rather more I ponder on why people do it so much, now days, and if everybody is doing it, why am I not? Is there something wrong with me? Are my habits constricting me? Yes. That was a stupid question.  

I think that my friend was right when he called me ‘’hipster’’ I always try to do what the opposite of the majority. The action of the majority seem to make me stop and wonder why and by doing so I realise that the action I am contemplating is actually one I do not favour to do. Do not misunderstand me like many my age I wish to get more piercings and get tattoos and be slightly in fashion… hell teenage hood has also made me start to wish I put makeup on and wonder which kind is the right one for me, thank a deity that my skin is too pale that a majority of these makeups are too dark for me. As a not so good friend of mine told me at the last Reading festival, me with makeup would feel similar to a drag queen (don’t worry I just smiled and brushed of the comment).  

But something she and my friend said struck a chord with me, I am by no means a devil’s advocate nor do I wish to act like one but when someone tell me that the passion for photography is to constantly take photos I think it odd. Why? Simple, because we no longer find the camera a rarity like a good painters hand rather it has now become a commercialized object that is seen at every turn.  Street photography, portraiture, landscape, macro and the many different genres of photography are being utilized every moment of everyday.

 So how can I as an individual do photography as a passion when everyone is acting in a manner that is supposed to express this so called passion, without even understanding the implications of their actions? They say a photograph speaks a thousand words, I disagree. A photograph says but one sentence but rather it is us around it that builds that one sentence to be so much more than it is.

It seems that instead of constantly jumping and taking photos that just build up in my laptop, I aim to make a story out of images. Yes that might sound bigoted, many of you might comment and say, “but is not everyone else also capturing a moment of a story” and yes they might. Yet, as I have seen my friends in class do many a time they create the photo, build a theme, go out and express their passion more forcefully then I. When questioned their thought process’ feel so simple, the image lacking a certain sense of vibrancy that makes me wonder why they would go on a course complete the tasks to get the grade but do so with trying to make a story that would make an individual stop and stare.

Perhaps it is just my odd head and thought processes, my thai best friend always tells me off for over thinking simple task and giving them more meaning or depth than she says they hold or need.

As a sample to my mind, for instance; though I love rings and wish to wear them in more variation upon my hands. I do not wear them on my right hand as I write with it and it is an inconvenience when painting and on principle I do not wear or will wear any ring that are not my wedding ring upon the wedding finger on my left hand. Hence you see my limited space to appreciate jewellery.  

The sample being a small one in to one of the reasons she says that I over think things. I guess that is why my mum said that she is not worried about me finding a girlfriend. She said that my future ‘Mrs’ is probably going to be a close friend that would become my lover, since I am (at the current moment) against doing anything with anyone unless they have no else or would promise to be just mine and know me well enough that I would trust her completely (which I didn’t with my ex and that’s why I broke up with her).

I think that since I am a being of constant self-insecurities that when I get into a relationship I think I look to be able to trust the person, especially since the moment I allow myself to feel for them in such a manner then I would never stop like some. Geez it took me 5 years to get over my first relationship and then the ex I spoke of was my first one after that one and I broke it of but to this day, over a year later, I still think of her/he every day and hope she/he is ok and smiling, coping.

I think I’ll end it here today; otherwise I’ll just rant of stupidly…. Well more than I have already and probably follow the same mindless cycle of thoughts.