Love Under Control

Chapter 3

"If you're not afraid of your dreams, that means they are not big enough."

           
C H A P T E R  3

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J U S T I N  P O V

Like every other week of my damn life, I am going to the supermarket to buy food. I am bringing the most essential thing in my life, my gun. Well that's pretty much the only thing that is essential to myself, excepted my bed, and my cellphone.

Don't think I'm a freak, well I am, but my gun is the only thing that leaded me to this point of my life. I realized that the only person you can trust is yourself. No one in this world is loyal. The only friend I got like 5 years ago, manipulated me to just get what he wanted; money. That's when I knew that real friendship couldn't exist. I'm not the better one to say that, but let me tell you that I have experience. I know that some people are friends and they are like; this is forever men, I love you & nothing will separate us. Sorry to take you out from your dreams, but you're wrong. The only thing that is sure, is that one day or another, something will get you far away from your dear best friend. Distance, maybe? Or, some shit that separated you? Age? Future? School ending? Whatever happens, I think that this is simply called; life. You get your friends at the beginning of school, you stay together for the rest of your school time, and after, well, you know the rest.

I find it really funny because at this very moment, when I'm writing this page, I'm saying every single word that comes out of my keyboard out loud. But I guess we don't give a shit.

So, I'm going to the supermarket. My favourite activity. (You can note the enormous case of sarcasm.)  When I'm in, I just try to find the 5 or 6 things that I need to survive, which are vegetables, water bottles (faucet water's disgusting, I don't even know how some of you guys are able to drink this liquid that comes out from this thing), some chocolate, yogourt and rice. I know, this is nothing, but I don't need one hundred sort of food to be happy. I don't spend my money on food that I don't even eat and that rests in my fridge for like 10 years unnecessarily.

When I was about to start taking my favourite sort of chocolate, I heard a girl about 19 crying on the floor, against the wall, a little bit apart from people who could see her. I just didn't care about it, even if I was curious and I wanted to know what was wrong.

What the fuck are you saying, Justin? You're never curious about this kind of dumbs. You never cared about anybody anyways, so why would it change?

I was thinking about this when I realized something. I didn't cry myself for at least 1 year. After all, for what would I cry? Because of a romantic movie that ends badly, like The Fault in our Stars? Are you fucking kidding me? Like, no.

So I quickly continued on my way, ignoring this girl who was crying herself about something that was probably not even worth it. You know what? That's not my problem. When I was about to pay my things, I was searching my wallet in my pocket & I found out that I forgot it. So what? That's even better. I keep my money to myself.

I just did what I do at usual, I took a random bag that was meant for the fruits to put inside, I just put my 5 products and I got out of here like nothing happened. I didn't run, because otherwise it would've been really suspect.

I know.

I'm a dumbass.

But I admit it.

So I entered my beautiful house, I threw the bag on the counter & I laid down on the couch. Today was a day like every other. There was nothing new or special about it, there was just rain. A rainy day never announces something cool. I mean that the day after will not be full of joy & happiness. Just saying. I had nothing interesting to do so I just went upstairs to go on my balcony to smoke and enjoy the view of this tiny circles of water falling from the sky. That's one thing that I really enjoyed. I like the fresh air that is going on my face, the sound of the enormous quantity of water falling in the streets, the smoke that I release from my mouth every 10 seconds. That's what I call relaxation & one of the only things that I enjoy living.

Also, I really like thinking about my mother, but not to much because sometimes it annoys me. I really like thinking about her because I miss her, but now she's far away from me and I'm alone for the rest of my life. I cannot complain because that's sure that most of the time I don't need her in my life. The only thing I wanted to get when I was young was some love coming from my mom. But I knew I couldn't get it, it was the last thing I could get. I could have everything I wanted, excepted this. My mother was always buying me things to make me happy because she couldn't get me anything else. Her happiness, her love, she even didn't get this feelings. All she could do was to sometimes force a fake smile. She had never known how to smile. I hope she does now. I hope she found a life that's better for her. Maybe she believes in things now, not like I do. I do not believe in anything because that's dumb. Believing leads to nothing. When you believe too much, you get hurt and that's not what you want. The better things always happen when you're not prepared. So I didn't call my mom for 4 years now, I always forget her birthday and if I call her one day after, I know she'll be screaming at the phone for nothing, like always. I've given up. I think she doesn't want news from me neither, because if yes, she would do it. This woman doesn't care about me anymore. And so do I. I'm not a kid anymore.

I don't really know what I am doing in my life, expected from sleeping and doing shit.

I hope it'll get better.

If only I knew.

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