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Chapter 1: Bubble

How to get out of your own bubble to not feel unwanted. Looking bad, having a bad personality, feeling lost, having no passion, does not have a direction, its like your a living robot with no emotion with no desire just following the rules. Listening doing what someone else wants because you dont have a plan for yourself. Do you ever feel that? Its a really unpleasant feeling like you are worthless. It makes you ask and think what is the purpose of your life? Why did God created you, for what reason? I myself always land in the internet hoping for an answer because I feel like no one understands me. Everyday I feel tired unhappy and LOST. Sometimes I wonder what if I was not born in this cruel world will I be happy? I don't want to end my life because I always think of the people who wanted me to live but everytime I think about it its me whose suffering not them. But also there this one saying in my head you have to live cause they want to or you have to. But inside I am tired I don't want to do anything. Here I am lying or sitting doing nothing and thinking what matter if I do this or that anyway it won't affect me I just don't want anyone to be disappointed at me. I read somewhere that inside this bubble is a protection of yourself to always look good on the eyes of others but there comes a time that thing won't happen in the way you wanted it you'll get irritated, angry and upset. Its right when things don't go in my way bad things will happen I could hurt people and then blame myself for not being good enough. There comes the word they call "depression" do i have it? Doctors said yes, but What is it anyway? They did'nt explain to me properly like what is "anxiety" "phobia" etc. I always feel like I all have those things that there is something wrong with me. I can't explain the feeling Im feeling right now. No one will understand, all people do is judge and give advice but does that work? I don't know one day Im doing okay the next day I want to end myself. Its like Im leaving in a cruel cruel world with no one to trust to. This medications I wonder if this really helps. I don't even trust the doctor who gave it to me. Like I said I feel like a robot following orders they tell me to take my meds so I did. But everytime I came back and ask me the simple question, How are you? I always wanted to say "NOTHING" I don't know what I feel or how was I? I don't know who can answer that correctly but one thing is I can't. I just want no negativity no stress no disappointment. But where can I find that place that world? I guess I'll never learn? Learn what? I dont even know who am I.. who is the real me.. sometime I even doubt myself if I am a good or bad person. Whenever I do something bad or I did'nt fulfill the instructions the task.. I feel like a monster that is so bad and evil, Yes.. "Evil" that word they say that you have less faith etc etc. But it makes me confused too like I will really be down like Im a bad human being God hates me cause I did something bad. I'll be in hell. But then when I do something right.. nothing just any other day passing by. Writing this I am feeling NOTHING I just want to discover who am I and what is my purpose. This past two days I forgot to take my medicine but not in purpose. I got busy and tired from all the work in school and travelling all day. My school is a two hour ride so its really tiring. Then I forgot my medicine, I forgot to drink my meds and went straight to bed fast asleep.