Guilt In Silence

12: Sky Full of Stars

The entire span of time between their last and next meeting was occupied by staring into blank space and constant distraction. Should I? Should I not? Is it worth it? Is it not?

Something had occurred to her. It hurt more than multiple bullets through the head, more than a thousand knives through the gut. She questioned her mind, denied it and bargained with it. In the end, she still had to make a decision.

***

The next Saturday

While Hoseok gushed and bubbled over the car crashes and actions scenes from the movie, Jung Yi answered with convincing half-hearted laughter and a surprisingly stable voice. She had barely enjoyed any part of the movie, not because it was bad, but because of the thoughts swimming around in her head.

"Let's go to the park and take a walk, hmm?" she suggested, .

Down the streets they strolled, hand in hand, and entered the park. She pulled him over to a nearby bench for a moment of rest.

"Hoseok, look up at the sky," she murmured, her voice thick as if trapping something inside, "what do you see?" Glancing over at him, she only tilted her head towards the night sky when he did. It was dark and bare, but there were a few stars that managed to outshine their electrical counterparts.

"I see some stars here and there, but the brightest one is right beside me," he replied, throwing his beloved a bright smile.

She returned one as well, at least a semblance of it, and looked down at the ground. It seemed as though she was being bashful, but in truth...

"Well, think of us as those two stars closest to each other," she started, hooking one foot around her other ankle, "and both stars have their own gravitational pull, which was what brought us together." Jung Yi went quiet for a moment.

"And?" Hoseok probed, wanting to hear her finish what she wanted to say.

"The more we pull each other close, the more we... The more we..." At this point she was choking on her words, her throat strained. The yellow light from the lamp post nearby reflected itself onto her cheeks, revealing tiny crystals around their corners. "Speeding towards each other in the sky, we'll destroy each other."

He merely stared, not understanding the situation. Yet, his gut told him something was wrong. Deep inside him, he knew where this was leading.

"What I'm trying to say is, the longer we stay together, the more we'll hurt each other. Me more than you."

"Jung Yi, you've never done anything like that. Don't say that."

"Hoseok, don't lie to me. I know. I know you keep everything to yourself so we can continue being happy. As much as I hate to say this, your smiles are lies. The most beautiful lies I've ever seen."

"No..."

"The times I'd ignored you when I was in a bad mood, I know you got upset because you can't be the one to cheer me up. And when I was frequently late for our dates at one point, or kept checking my phone instead of talking to you, you always said it was okay. But I know you were angry. Why do you think I stopped? I know because I've been doing the same. In fact, I've been like that my entire life. We've swept every trouble we faced under the carpet and it's killing the both of us."

"But we can change that, can't we?" he pleaded. He couldn't let her go like that. He was close to tears himself, but he held back for her sake. He knew that if he started, she would as well.

"We could, but it'd last for a week or so before we start hiding everything again," Jung Yi laughed bitterly. "I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have. It'd be better if we were away from each other."

"Don't do this, you don't mean it, do you?"

"I mean it. I meant every word. I love you, Hoseok, but to love is to learn to let go too. I'm letting go so you don't have to feel bad when I'm around."

"You don't mean it, not at all," Hoseok gasped, not caring anymore and letting his tears run down his face. "You're just upset about something, I know you don't mean it. Tell me you don't!"

"Hoseok, I want to believe that too but... I'm so sorry."

He could no longer form any words, and just sat there, face buried in his hands, whimpering and sobbing. It was the second time Jung Yi had seen him in tears, and the first time she had seen him crying this badly. Even so, she could tell he was still suppressing it. It broke her heart, it pained her, but it probably hurt him more. She doubted herself so, so much. She wanted to take back her words and comfort him, but no one had the power to rewind time. It was already out there. A tsunami of guilt and hurt came crashing down upon her, and she was reduced to a mass of tears.

She had no idea how much time had passed, but Hoseok's hollow voice broke the heavy silence. "Jung Yi, I want to believe that you made the right decision. If you say it's for the best... I'll trust you."

He took her in his arms and whispered, "Just this one last time." This was it. Her sun was fading.

"I'm sorry, goodbye." She had to go before she completely destroyed herself at the sight of her dying star.

He was silent for a moment, taking in as much as he could of her silhouette, her features, her everything, before he finally spoke.

"See you."

***

"Jae, I did it," she wailed over the phone, hugging her pillow tightly.

"Calm down, what did you do?"

"I did it, messed up again. I broke up with Hoseok."

"You what?" Jae yelled, the volume piercing Jung Yi's ears, but she was too exhausted to care. "Wait, hold on why did you do that, I thought you guys were happy?"

"That's what we looked like. You know, they say the ones who are the happiest, hurt the most. And he was the most broken person I've ever known. I know, because I broke him."

"Did you do something wrong? I don't think you did."

"I did everything wrong. I went to him when I needed him, pushed him away when I got upset. I toyed with him, his feelings. I treated the most precious, most fragile person so carelessly."

"That's not the Jung Yi I know. You're just mad and blaming it all on yourself."

"But I'm a monster! I hurt him so badly, I made him cry, I-"

"Don't say that. You've been treating Hoseok so well, you've been patient and understanding and caring. We all know that, we can see it. You need some time alone to let it out of your system first. I'll call again as soon as I can."

"...Okay."

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A/N: this chapter was so painful to write but I had to do it for the story e n e give me a moment I need to reflect on what I've done TT-TT

it's still horrible though