Dear Grace

Dearest Grace

Dearest Grace,

I have grown old and tired. Nowadays my mind always goes back. The memories have never tarnished, never grown dim. Some of the memories still make me tremble, still make me sad but others... others make me smile and remember the joy in my heart. I hope that you found my journal, if you did then you already know most of my story. Not all, but most. I would like to fill in the gaps. I would like this to be my final confession. You are the only one I can trust with this. You are the only one that I believe will not judge me. At least not harshly.

I was a coward. You probably will shake your head reading this now. I wish it wasn't true. I wish I could say that I had no regrets. But I have many. Grace, you were never a regret. I treasured the friendship you so freely gave and I am eternally grateful that you cared for the faery, whether you believed her to be Lauren or not.

I married her in Skibbereen Cork on the 17d of October 1836. I was, I still am, completely in love with her. I still remember the smile on her lovely face that day. She gave me a mirror that day inscribed with 'Bright Love of my Heart'. I must have left it behind, please take care of it. No words since have been so apt. We were so happy. We had no idea what was to come.

I wonder if she ever regretted marrying me, especially when she became ill. It broke my heart watching her suffer. There was so little I could do. Everyone was struggling. Money was sparse and no one needed a stonemason. I had no money. We had no food. We had no medicine. We were getting desperate. One year, we had only been married for one year and I could not face the idea of losing her so soon.

It was an accident, a truly dreadful accident. Lauren was getting worse by the day. I did what I had to do. I did what I thought was the only way to keep her alive. I stole. It was only a little bit of bread and cheese and it was only a small bottle of Laudanum, something to fill her belly and ease her pain. I almost got away with it. But Kyle Moran saw me and confronted me. I tried pleading, explaining, anything to make him listen. He wasn't listening; if he was he was simply ignoring my pleas. I tried to run past him but he blocked me. I didn't stop in time. He fell.

I promise you Grace, it was an accident. I never intended to harm him. His head hit the ground and I saw blood. I remember a dog barking in the background; it's strange what I remember. I rolled him over to see if I could stop the bleeding. It was already too late. I took a step back seeing a man, who moments ago had been alive, face down, blood dripping from a fatal head wound. Then I heard Riley and I ran... I told you I was a coward. It only gets worse.

We left Cork. I paid our way to Lower Canada by labouring on the ship. Somehow Lauren survived the journey but her health was not getting any better. I found work on the wharves. It was hard work but it gave us money. Now I had a place for us to live and food in our bellies. Despite this Lauren's health did not improve. It got worse. Her fever heightened and when she spoke I could not understand her. I was so close to losing her. When I did make out her words she repeatedly told me we were being followed. Her fears were taking hold of her and it was all my fault.

She died a few days later. My grief overwhelmed me. She was only twenty four. I visited her grave. To this day I wish I had not dosed myself up on Laudanum to numb the pain. She deserved better.

I became involved with the patriote rebels. It took my mind away from Lauren, if only for a short period of time. I sympathised with their plight. So many were going hungry, almost at the point of starving to death. Something needed to change. It was a worthy cause to me at the time. It also gave me the much needed comradeship. I never expected it to get violent. But who am I to judge? It started off with just meetings and shouting our support, then it became armed protests. I carried a scrap of the flag. I am sure you will have discovered it already.

It was during this time that I first saw her again. She was so tiny, I had to watch so carefully but soon there was no doubt in my mind that it was her. Lauren had come back to me. She was watching over me. I felt as if my heart would burst from my chest. The world felt so much brighter. Lauren had transformed into a beautiful faery with dark eyes and beautiful blonde hair.

My fellow rebels started to fall like flies. One night I was awoken by the sounds of an angry man coming to get one of my patriot brothers. I did not try to help him but listened to them take him away for his crimes against the Crown. I am ashamed to admit that I was frozen with fear inside my room. Now that I had my Lauren back I was no longer willing to risk my life. Coward. Again. I know. I made preparations to leave but first I had to get my faery to come with me. It took longer than I thought.

Meanwhile I kept my head low and worked hard on the wharves, saving my money. It was an evening, when the light was only just starting to leach from the sky that I finally had my chance. Lauren was there, flitting around and teasing a young black cat sprawled out on my doorstep soaking in the last rays of the sun. Every now and again he would raise a paw and half-heartedly bat at her. He always missed but I do not believe it was his intention to ever get her. I had to keep her there so I went inside and poured out a bowl of milk. The cat stayed and so did she. I had a little honey and I offered it out to her. I had gained Lauren's trust again.

I became lazy, I should have left. Instead I stayed and almost a year later I met you. I was identified as a patriote rebel and rounded up with many others to be exiled. I was given a little time to collect my belongings after the verdict. I captured Lauren in my toolbox and brought her onto the ship. They did not allow me to keep it. I was a convict after all. Once again I was separated from my love. I did worry about her.

Then I know I caught Pneumonia. No doubt the damp living quarters where we were kept and the contrast with the fresh sea air did not agree with my lungs. Grace, you must know more than I do about that time. All I remember is feeling hot then extremely cold. And the dreams. Lauren kept coming back to me in my dreams. I almost didn't want to wake up. She was so beautiful and young, no sign of sickness.

You saved me Grace. Without your conversations and your gentle hands and soothing nature I do not believe I would have survived. Even your father described it as a miracle. You found Lauren for me. You gave me hope. I wish I had kept your drawing of me and my faery. I hope you still have it. Did you continue to draw after I left? It will have been a shame if you have not. I still remember you drawing the pear and quince trees when we finally arrived in Van Diemen's Land. I am still so grateful for you and your father's companionship.

The next few years, as you know, had their ups and their downs. The heat was unbearable at first but we soon adapted. The work was difficult but so satisfying. It was good to build again; I had missed using my tools. Lauren was never far, always flitting around overhead. No one ever saw her but you and I. To this day I still wonder why.

We are reaching the end of my confession now. The word coward still echoes in my mind. I should have told you but I was afraid. I did what I always did, I ran. Someone was making enquiries about me. I feared my past had finally caught up with me. Who else could it be but Riley Moran here to avenge his brother's death? I immediately made plans to leave. This time I knew I could not take my faery with me. She was happy and she should no longer have to pay for my mistakes. I left you a letter within my journal. It was too short. I apologise. Did you look after my Lauren? Did she look after you?

I hope my fuddled thoughts have found you safe and sound.

With fondest affection,

Philip Ripton.