I'm Not Okay I Swear

Goodbye Reality

My anger overcomes me and I slam the front door shut. Thank god my parents aren't home or they'd kill me for that. I chuck my bag on the floor sloppily next to the staircase and look to my right into the living room. The same fucking mess as always that no one can be bothered to clean up. I run up the blue carpeted stairs and grasp the doorknob on my bedroom door. I take my eyes off the floor and glance at eye-line level, the many personalised name plates that scream 'Abigail' at me. I throw my door open, take a couple steps toward my wall and strike a strong blow with my right fist. It takes all of my energy and anger with it and for the first time today I can relax.. slightly. I look back at my knuckles and see the blood.

"Fuck" I pant after an explosive act of aggressiveness.

I never bother wrapping or icing my hand. Who can be fucked with that huh? My stomach rumbles and it reminds me that I haven't eaten today. I lift my mattress up to reveal a pack of crisps and my favourite! A bottle of fucking tequila, exactly what I need after today. I pull out my bottle opener from my inside pocket of my school blazer and open my refreshing bottle of well earned alcohol. I pull it up to my lips and as soon as the taste hits my lips I feel an instant high. I know it's a problem but I honestly couldn't care less. It's the only thing that makes things better for me, nothing else works. I twist my arm and gaze at my scarred wrist. They're beginning to fade now but I can't ignore my past actions and the effect they've had on me. For example, the reason this bottle is pressed against my busted lips.

I got lost in playing my guitar between sips of my drink and the time is half past five. Fuck dad's gonna get home soon, I grab my tin of mints next to me. I know that mints don't particularly cover the smell but he can't tell if the alcohol is coming from me or him so he doesn't really give a shit. I just wanna get high and start a fight but it's too early. At least I'm a bit tipsy.

I hear the door close and I let out a dreadful sigh.

"He won't come upstairs, he won't." I mumble. The stairs begin to creak in a slow, irregular pattern as my father ascends the stairs toward my room.

"Hey Abi! How was school" He said, unable to control the volume in which he talked. His stubble was dirty and his clothes were filthy. He looked like he could barely stand and his dark grey hair looked like he just woke up.

" Yeah it was okay Dad." I reply frankly.

" Good. I'm gonna go downstairs and chill out if you need me"

" Sure thing Dad." I know what that means, it means he's gonna drink more. That's a good thing for me, it means I can go out. Fuck I need to get high.

Time still isn't going fast enough. I need to wait until around half six until I can go out and hang with my people. It's only six on the hour. I don't know how I'm gonna pass the time until then because life is pretty boring until weed is involved. I like to be so high that I hardly know what's going on. That's the best feeling in the world. My attention is drawn to my phone as it buzzes, oh look who it is. Fuck this shit I need to get high now. I delete the notification, jam my door shut with my chair and grab my jacket. It's getting dark out because, well, it is winter after all. I've got everything I need, jacket, lighter, yeah I'm ready to go.

I open my window and put one leg out, I twist my body so I'm facing the wall and put the other one out too. Then I secure them on a ledge on the outer wall. I slowly lower myself and reach for the next ledge and move left, still scaling my house. I lightly drop onto the ridge that sits above my front door and jump the small distance to the ground. I dust my hands off and make my move to our meet point. They should be there, I'm never usually this early though. It'll be fine.

I close the gate behind me and head towards the woods. It's not too far now, but I don't want to wait another second to have a blunt between my lips. I'm there before I know it and a couple people are already here. May, Aaron, Dwight and Chris are all here.

" Look who it is, it's the indecisive he/she" Dwight murmured obnoxiously audibly.

" Nice to see you too dick, shut the fuck up and give me a hit before I kick your balls so hard you can taste them" I reply bluntly taking a seat on the nicest one of the couches we have put in a circle.

" Touchy, wanna talk about it?" Dwight replied softly and genuinely passing a joint to me.

" Just give me the fucking weed" I said sharply, snatching it from him.

" But seriously what's up Jess?" Aaron asked. He and May are together. He has his arm around her and they're happy but that won't last. They're the most abusive couple I know. The scar on his lip and the black eye she has are from arguments they've had, usually in front of us. I've had to hold him off her on more than one occasion. That's how I got my busted lip, from the other day.

" I just feel like shit, nothing else to it. Got that?" I say with my blunt in between my lips as I cup my hand around the flickering light.

May hasn't spoken and I'm just guessing that's because she doesn't want to fight with Aaron. She used to sell herself for money because she had nothing and no one. Aaron picked her up and basically saved her. I think she's scared of leaving him but they're toxic to each other and they both know it. There's a few other couples in our group but they're usually on and off. Aaron and May are the longest relationship any of us have seen. I'm pretty new to the group but I'm not that new. They all took a liking to me pretty quickly. But I haven't seen all of their relationship, they've been together for like five years and I've only been here one.

Dwight sat next to me and put his hand on my leg. He makes me quite uncomfortable but he treats me nice so it's all good I guess.

" Lewis told me he's gonna be here in a couple minutes. You might get a job but I don't know." He said to me quietly so the other's didn't hear. The weed had just started to kick in so it took me a while to process what he'd said. I've never been given a job before but I know that Lewis' best men only get jobs. Don't get me wrong, I want to be respected by Lewis but I also know what happens when you fuck up a job..

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