I'm Not Okay I Swear

Once you start, you can't stop

I took another hit from the neatly rolled blunt Aaron handed me, closed my eyes to take in the bitterness of the smoke and exhaled slowly. Dwight took his hand off my worn jeans and stood up to get another beer. I could tell it was his third or fourth from the way he staggered to the stack and the fatal smell of alcohol on his breath. Aaron and May are sitting silently as if they've run out of things to say so I just sit patiently with a joint between my thick, rough fingers and inhale the blunt, filling my lungs with my much needed drug and breathing it out as if my problems left with it.

The bushes around us began to shake and I could hear Lewis' irritated curses. He must have got caught on the thorns, fucking idiot he does that every time. His messy, stubbly face came into view as he pushed his way through the man-made path we had created. A few other's appeared with him, all people who don't care very much for me and I don't particularly care for them either.

"Ahh, Jesse, I didn't think you'd be here this early. Anyway I need to have a word mate". Lewis spoke rather seriously, the harshness in his voice made my nose twitch. That happens a lot when I'm nervous. I followed him away from the group of druggies and addicts that we call a family.

"What's up man?" I say to him, not giving away the fear that's overcoming me.

"I just wanted to say that you are working your way up in our family. You may be young but it doesn't seem that way to the rest of us." A small smile forms on my face. I've never really been accepted anywhere but here and I know that what we are is very much illegal but they've been there for me more than anyone else I've been friendly with. "I'm not giving you a job yet. You aren't ready and I think you know it, you still need to get used to being under pressure. And you know how important jobs are to how we work."

"Yeah, yeah no I understand. I just wanted to say thanks for taking me under your wing. I don't say it enough but it really has changed everything for me."

"Don't go soppy on me, dickhead" Lewis laughed as he got me in a headlock and messed up my hair.

I sit back down on a different sofa because Dwight stole mine, fucker. I've nearly finished my joint so I grab a Stella (beer) and open the can. Stella is affordable for our group but it fucks me up so bad. The last time I got drunk off of Stella I ended up in a tree, fun story. Lewis sits closer to the beer and is making suggestive gestures towards Carly. We all know Carly would go for any guy if she can get anything back. For example, Lewis gives her weed and let her join us. They're both happy so we leave them alone.

I check my phone because I've left it for a while. More fucking messages from her, fucks sake.

"Pass me another blunt Dwight" I demand, not thinking about what I'm saying, the words just come out.

"Honestly, where's your manners man?" He jokes as he begins to roll up another one. My high is fading and I don't want to go back to reality. Not yet anyway.

"I think Jesse needs to let off some steam, what do you all say?" Lewis laughs before he takes a sip from his beer.

"I don't I just.." I'm cut off my Lewis again.

"Who do you wanna fight Jess? Take your pick,"

"I'm fine honestly, I just need.."

"Aaron. Up." Lewis chooses Aaron as he knows I have no respect for abusers, and I don't like how either Aaron or May treat each other. Aaron looks a bit startled and stands up.

"Don't worry just sit down mate," I try to stop the inevitable but I only stall.

"Hit him" Lewis begins a chant and everyone present follows. Me and Aaron stare blankly at each other, deciding who will take the first punch.

I put my fists up, protecting my face and strengthen my stance. I step toward him and I see him flinch. I give him a nice right hook to his cheekbone and he staggers backwards. My anger decides to flow out of me then and there and I pounce onto the lanky body, easily demolishing his defence. He falls backwards and I land on top of him, striking blows to his eyes and cheeks. I can't stop I can't, I don't want to. I don't care how much it hurts me or him I don't want to stop.

It takes three guys to pull me off of Aaron and Lewis sniggers to himself quietly.

"I told you that you needed to let off some steam.."

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