Drive. - Harry Styles

Chapter Seven

November 27th 2013.

Ever since I was little, I fancied suicide. Not in the fucked up way, I just thought it was interesting. I always seemed to wonder what could possibly drive a person into that level of hatred towards themselves to take their own life. Unfortunately, I finally understand. You feel so trapped, sort of like walls closing in on you; the air slowly and slowly fading away as every little thing just bothers you. To the point where the only way out is to end it all. I cannot say I haven't had suicidal thoughts because I get them all the time. It's beginning to get harder to look in the mirror, I can't help but willow in sadness because of a stupid reflection.

I truly hate the word 'sad' its an emotion, not a characteristic.

Is that all I am now? "Sad."

I slugged out of my bed and walked into my kitchen, after grabbing something quick to eat I jumped onto the couch in the living room. Clicking the channels for what seemed like forever, I finally stopped on the movie Remember Me. I always hated watching romance movies only because no one would ever want to be my Romeo.

I picked my phone up from beside me, noticing a text from Valerie.

'Party tonight?'

After about an hour of her persuading me to go, I hopped into the shower and left.

***

I sat at the bridge for a while, my feet dangling off the edge. While slowly inhaling and exhaling the smoke from the small bud between my fingertips. I was afraid to drink tonight, I always end up crying and confessing things that aren't relevant to anything. I tried to get Harry to come, but he said he's going to some bar will Niall. I have to admit, I really don't want him to go.. But at the same time I don't want him with me, what if I say something wrong?

I truly missed the feeling of your strong arms wrapped around my smaller figure, the way you lightly squeeze me makes me feel wanted. Who knew someone could fall in love with something so simple. Like a soft little stupid hug like his. I always wished I had the guts to say these things to him aloud but I know he would just respond with his usual 'true'. It bothers me when he says it, only because it makes me feel as if he just doesn't care about what were talking about. It's stupid and pointless to point out something so little, but whats life without all the little things.

Sometimes I like looking around at the small things about you, the veins in your arms, your fingertips. I wish he knew how truly breathtaking he is. I always try to tell myself that you won't hurt me, that you're going to be different. But I know the day will come, I just hope it wont come any time soon.

I hooked my backpack on my shoulder and began to walk to Corrina's. Her house was big, and in an area I didn't really know. When I walked inside, I instantly regretted coming. Parties are for people, not so much like me. I spotted Valerie and Dakotah sitting on the couch in the basement.

"Mere-bear!" Val slurred, I rolled my eyes at the petty nickname I hated so much.

"I'm going out for a smoke." I announced and walked away,

"I'll come with you," Jordan said behind me

I walked outside and closed the glass door behind him.

"You should stop smoking those cancer sticks. You're going to die one day." He said while sitting beside me,

"Aren't we all."

He fiddled with his fingers uncomfortably, as he opened his mouth to speak than quickly shut it.

"What were you going to say," I asked

"Are you and Harry, a thing.."

"Not a thing."

"Than what is it?"

"I'm freezing, can we go back inside?" I asked, avoiding the question.

He rolled his eyes as I stood up.

"Meredith." His tone got stern,

"What? I'm cold." I said, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Do you like him?" He asked while stepping closer to me,

I ignored him and walked inside, after 7 shots, 2 drinks, and 4 games of beer pong. I could barley see straight, my mind kept wondering off thinking about a bunch off different things, but they all travelled back to one thought. Yet, it wasn't a thought. It was a person. Before I could realize what I was doing, I dialled Nialls number and started crying. I don't know why I always cry when intoxicated, it just sort of; happens. Valerie came running to me asking me why I was crying, but I didn't really have an answer. I guess it was because of him. Or just because I think too much.

This night, was the night I realized I liked him.

I waited outside for him with a kid named Conner, who knew Harry from school.

"I don't think I have ever seen anyone cry so much in my life," he laughed "You must like him."

I laughed, "I just don't know."

The butterflies in my stomach grew bigger as I saw him walk down the street with Niall and Lou.

I stood up and ran towards Harry, I dove straight into his stomach and hugged him. Tears staining his black shirt. There it was, the stupid little hug that I love so much. I didn't want to let go, but I knew I had too. I walked him inside, by this time everyone was starting to leave. We sat in a small empty room in the basement, I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I was so afraid too.

There it was, the stupid little things I love about you. The soft pink shade of your lips, the urge to crash mine against them. But I knew I couldn't.

"How drunk are you?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders and sat beside him on the bed.

Without thinking, I crashed my lips against his. So soft, so delicate.