Burnt Cigarettes [Baekhyun]

Beginning

In the beginning when we had met for the first time there was an unspoken agreement between us. A moment of silence contained many words that didn't need to be said because we already knew what we both wanted and back then my naïve self had believed that we were infinite.

Today when I sit outside with our four year old daughter by the white roses that bloom in the garden we both grew in our earlier days brings back the unwanted memories to fly pass inside my head. Abusing my brain with depressing thoughts.

[Month one]

I walk up the concrete pavement thinking about the beautiful smell of the cake my mom baked for my birthday like she does every year. Suddenly a burning smell came through waking me up from my daydream.

Looking ahead to the right side of the small cafe stood a tall girl with a black hijab on she was probably in her 20's, holding onto five cigarettes, lighted as they crumbled slowly puffing out it's intriguing smoke. Though they were not inhaled by this mysterious girl or even anywhere near her mouth.

She stood back to back with the wall right next to the "do not smoke" sign, eyes closed, slightly smiling as if she knew I was watching her.

At that exact moment her eyes opened boring into mine as I stood now in front of her with curiosity.

Everyday of that month she would wear her black hijab and I would just stare at her from afar. Too afraid to talk.

[Month two]

I walked along the same path like any other day however, this time it was intended to see the girl up close. Surprisingly enough she was there in the same stance as everyother day.

For the last 30 days I had just looked at her from the other side of the road not wanting to be seen as a creep.

Today though I stood in front of her my back facing along the other building. The cigarettes in her hands burned slowly as little pieces of carved ash like figures fell down landing on top of the newly layered snow that blew down in the midst of us.

Both of us bore a smile on our faces appreciating each others presence, not bothering to say anything even though unspoken words needed confirmation.

Her hijab was a dark grey that day. The first different colour I had encountered since last months. Just like that entire month we had taken a step forward.

[Months Three]

In that month she didn't hold any cigarettes. Instead she was talking to someone. A tall guy with a small frown plastered on his face as he held her smooth hands with both of his own.

Something foreign bubbled inside of me.

Today though I realize that was jealousy.

Back then my mind had gone blank but now my heart has.

If I had been a bit quicker and closer to her that day then probably I could have heard the tragic news on her health condition.

However I didn't and that's probably the only mistake I made in our entire relationship.

Never did I ask if you were ok or if you needed something. It was just assumed that you were fine because your fake smiles would answer for me at that time and I believed them.

Her hijab colour had become a tad lighter shade of grey too.

[Month Four]

That month all I wanted to do was touch her soft tan colored cheeks. The way they glistened in the light was like no other girls had I ever seen.

She was like a magnet pulling me towards herself without a word.

But I just could not when she was with someone else beside her that isn't me.

She started holding onto the cigarettes once more. This time though would leave marks on the snow with them. However I never asked her what it was about.

Once again her hijab started following to a lighter shade for that month.

[Month Five]

After that guy had stopped coming in the last day of that two months he was beside her. I walked up to the girl. My intentions were clear inside of me and that was to talk to her or at least closure to my questions after a long time. There were also things that I wanted answers to for my own dissembling curiosity that stirred around her.

Unlike all of the other times she wore all those bland colours she wore before today though her hijab enlightened a different colour. Her turtle neck sweater lay right underneath her loose hijab with a cigarette burning in between her fingers carelessly as always.

Her cheeks turned up in a smile form as she caught me looking at her. Just like that my face took over one as well not bothering to decline the sudden feelings that flew in my stomach.

In a heart beat all of my questions disappeared taking over a surprised face as she stared at me and I spoke words that I had never expected to happen when we would both have our first conversation...

"I love you."

And that day her hijab was white. The color for death a color that spoke to me, however was not taken in by my own self.