VOICES

2nd: I Saw It

We broke up in the cafe near my house.

He wished to settle down. He wanted at least 3 kids, a stable job and a yard for our dogs to run in. I wanted New York. And London. And perhaps Japan for a year or two. I wanted to live in not-so-great apartments in different parts of the earth. I wanted to love in a tumultuous manner. I was just 21, I didn't want to settle yet.

We were sipping our coffees quietly, letting some music play throughout the cafe to fill our silence. We decided that not to talk about our relationship and let silence fill our blankness.

"This isn't right, " I said, finally.

"Why? What's wrong? Did they give you the wrong coffee?" he asked with a face of genuine concern, reminding me why I love him.

"No, not the coffee. I meant us, " I said softly, but I was sure he could hear me.

Then there was a dead silence, before we grabbed our coffees in their paper cups, and headed for his car.

Through tears, we made promises we won't sure if we could keep, with our cold coffee in our hands.

Maybe in a couple years, we promised each other.

I held onto that longer than I should have.

It was my justification two months later when I decided to click on his Instagram page late one night. I just wanted to see how he was doing, I convinced myself. I wondered if he did get that stable job he dreamt of. I wondered if his parents were in good health.

I always had a good reason to go back.

Their first photograph was taken together at a party.

Well I assumed it was a party based on what I saw. She was holding a red Solo cup and he had a tipsy half-smile, the one I used to always tease him about. His fingers were wrapped around her waist and as I stared at my phone screen of the post, I couldn't help but think about how I used to feel when he put his hands the same place on me.

Maybe they're just friends. Did he know her while we were still dating? I wonder if they spent the night together.

I'm not supposed to care, I reminded myself. In fact, I wasn't allowed to. But I did anyway. I switched off my phone. I was done torturing myself for one night. But that night, as I fell asleep, I dreamt of him.

It was summer. The giant fireball in the sky was like spitting out fire, and the heat was almost unbearable. We were outside the 7-eleven nearby, where we bought some ice cream to cool off. As I leaned against the car, I felt instant relief as I tasted the ice cream.

He stood right in front of me purposefully, blocking away the sunlight that was blinding me.

Like any other dreamscape, it didn't seem to make sense. Why were we getting ice cream here and not our usual place? Why were we using his mother's car and not his? Why was he wearing a jacket with this sort of weather?

Why were we still together?

I gave his ice cream a great lick, feeling very satisfied with his choice. I took a few more licks, and he winced and then smiled at me.

"I'm just here to supply you ice cream isn't it?," he said.

"Maybe, "I grinned cheekily.

I woke up that night cold, searching for him in my bed.

That brief moment after waking up from a rather nice dream always felt like shit. That moment when I felt the dream was like reality - like maybe we never broken up at all. That moment when I willed myself to sleep, wishing I was still in his arms. That moment when I recalled how it felt like to love and to be loved and it seemed impossible that it wasn't true anymore.