Breathe

Chapter Two

Mention of self-harm in this chapter. Read at your own discretion. 

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The feeling of being so helpless to your own body, it feels like you're drowning in the ocean. No one is around to answer your calls, to throw you a life boat. The fear of the creatures that are circling under your feet, waiting for a chance when you're most vulnerable; yet you know that even if you escaped those vultures, that the swells would drag you under. 

There was no escape for Casey. She had tried everything, therapy, medications, drugs, self-harm. The latter she was not very proud of.  That didn't prevent her. A sick sort of relief came from feeling the pain she could actually control. This pain was caused by her own hand and not by an uncontrollable force. 

The first time someone caught her was the first week she was in college. In a sick joke of fate it was her roommate Jennifer. Others may have helped or even nurtured Casey. Jennifer instead threatened to report her to the dorm advisor.  Hoping she'd get a new roommate and less that Casey would actually quit her dangerous activities. 

Casey did quit the self inflicted wounds. Not out of fear of expulsion but painful memories of the past.  She saw firsthand how one mistake can cause so much pain. That was the only reason she stuck around in her own personal hell. There were not many in the world that Casey felt a connection to but those few she could not imagine leaving behind. Not for herself but to spare those the feelings of guilt and what ifs.  

Casey 

I spent all night contemplating sending Niall a text. Sometimes a kind person can be a gift. A helpful aid in forgetting about the pain for a couple hours, but I know he would be like the others. 

In high school I sat alone, at lunch, in class, during the breaks. I had friends but only when they needed me. Homework answers or even to complain to me about their failed friendships. I stayed quiet in hopes that nobody would notice me wallowing in the corner. People would stay around me for short periods of time until they couldn't take me anymore. 

Even if he did want my company, it wasn't in the same way I wanted it. A boy like him wouldn't want me for anything other than his own pleasure. It wasn't like this was my first experience with a boy.  I don't want to sound arrogant but I'm not unattractive by any means. I may not be a Victoria's Secret model but I've had my fair share of love interests. It always ended the same way though. They would compliment me a few times about how beautiful my blue eyes shone or how my hair was the perfect brown shade. As soon as I didn't drop to my knees, though, all those sweet words would disappear. I've learned over the years that boys want me only for my looks and not for my soul. 

All I've ever wanted was to be courted by a gentleman. I wanted to be complimented on something else than my looks. I wanted to feel like a decent human being not a piece of meat. I guess I can't complain too much. I had friends in high school that were never asked to go to prom or received a valentine gram. That didn't prevent me from abstaining from "rewarding" boys that throw a few smooth lines at me though. 

The anxiety of having to put on a good face and say the right things made my decision for me. I could barely pick myself off of the floor and all I wanted was to crawl into the sweet release of a sea of comfort and soft blankets. Maybe another day when my emotional rollercoaster ride decided to go on the uphill for once, I would pick up the phone.

*Hey honey. Just wanted to see how you're doing. I know today is going to be tough for you but remember I'm always here for you. -Love Mom*

Casey read the text from her mother and a sudden flood of emotion hit her body like a brick wall.  It was like she was suddenly flung to that day only a short year ago.

 *Flashback*

The phone call woke her out of her slumber at around 5 am. The jarring sound of her principal's voice immediately told Casey it was a serious matter.  

"Casey, I don't know how to tell you this. Macey suffered a brain hemorrhage late last night. Unfortunately, it was fatal. She's gone Casey. I'm so sorry. We have grief counselors at the school and I highly suggest you come in to talk to one of them."

It suddenly felt like all of the walls in her room had closed in around her. All Casey wanted was her mom. Walking to her mother's room, her feet felt like they were made out of cinder blocks. The rest of the week was a painful, blur.  This was not the first time Casey had experienced a death of someone close to her but this was the first she had to do it without Macey. 

Macey and Casey had been friends since they were children. To think those eight years could be ruined by something as simple as someone hitting their head wrong. They had been through everything together. Macey was the only one who understood Casey's social awkwardness. She was the one who taught her how to use it as an advantage rather than a disadvantage. 

Casey started cutting soon after. Her years of resisting and therapeutic aid came crumbling down in one night. It happened a few months after the funeral. Maybe it was a song or a certain smell that reminded her of Macey.  Casey needed the relief of seeing her pain in an actual form. Once she began the habit, it was nearly impossible for her to quit.

Jennifer's footsteps snapped Casey out of her painful memories. Never much of consoler; Jen didn't even take a second look at Casey. To say Casey and her relationship wasn't amicable  would be an understatement. The second Jennifer got a peek at one of Casey's numerous tattoos was the moment their friendship status went on the down spiral. 

In a split second decision, Casey picked up her phone. Anything would be better then Jennifer's disapproving glares and sarcastic comments. 

*Hey would you want to go see a movie today? I saw a preview for a good one :)*