Wednesday Writings

Wednesday Writing 3.5

A/N:
Um... I wasn't actually gonna post this because it's about real people and things that are going on in my life right now and y'all don't really care about that. However- I felt like posting it because it's how I'm feeling. I changed the names for their safety, but this is all kinda happening at once. Enjoy guys.
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Wednesday Writing 3.5
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11/22/16
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I know it's Tuesday. But I have to say this. Gerald- go rot you piece of nothing. Sam- what do you want from me?
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Next time, say it to my face.
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I trusted you. I trusted you so much. I trusted you with some of the deepest parts of me; with some of the deepest, most personal parts of my soul. And then we fight. If one fight causes you to treat me this way, then you won't get anywhere with anyone. You will literally be alone for the rest of your life if you just drop all of your friends the moment they fight with you. You make me sick. Sick to the pits of my stomach Gerald. You make me want to vomit. If you're just going to go about talking shit and telling people those deep parts of my inner being, then go to hell. They'll be waiting for you.
You wanna know the greatest part of all of this Gerald? You don't even have the guts to say this to my face. I dare you to say all of that in front of me and to my face. You can talk shit all you want- I don't care about that part. But the next time you wanna spill my freaking soul make sure I'm there. At least that way I can tell you to shut the hell up. I could just as easily spill out your heart and soul too... but I won't. Because I'm not an ass. My friends want you to hurt like you hurt me. Whether physically or emotionally. I personally would just rather you go and screw yourself like how you screwed me over. So please Gerald- the next time that you decide to be the piece of shit that you are:
Make sure you do it to my face. At least then I'll be there to see it.

Ah Sam. Sweet, kind, calm, quiet, Sam. I bet you're wondering why you're here amongst my hate speech for Gerald. I'll tell you why. I don't know what you want from me. I want to be friends with you, but do you want to be friends with me? You see there's a big difference between wanting me around and just keeping me around cause you're nice. This isn't me blaming you- I hardly know you. But... do you even want to get to know me? I just wish I knew what you wanted from me. That's all... I know that I can be excessively annoying and I can be a huge burden (as seen with the Gerald case...) and I'm extremely emotional and can be really clingy and sometimes needy I guess... but that's just cause I don't wanna lose anymore people. I'm way too scared to probably ever tell you all this. I know that I'm trying way too hard to be friends, I should just let it go naturally ya know? But I'm scared. I just want to hold onto you so freaking tight and not let go because I'm so freaking scared of losing more people. Because everyone leaves eventually. But it's not up to me to make you stay. It's up to you. If you'd like me to go, then please, say it to my face. Be blunt, I can take it. All I want is a little closure. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure out how you feel. And yeah, you're a guy, you don't do the whole "feelings" thing. Heck, you legit probably don't care about whether you and I are friends or not. And that's fine! There's nothing wrong with that. But... I need you to just TELL me that. Believe me, I know that talking to people is stupid (I get it with my whole social anxiety thing), but all I want is a friend. Someone you talk to and it isn't completely awkward. Someone who has the occasional inside joke and is just... there. I won't ever purposely make you feel uncomfortable. I won't ever force you to do something you don't want. If all of this is too much for you or whatever then please, I'm begging you, TELL ME. Because I'm getting so many mixed signals from you!! Whether it's you just kinda ignoring me to you talking to me... GAH I DONT KNOW!! I'm so confused!! I'm not expecting all of this to happen in a day... I just NEED to know what you're thinking. Please, just straight up tell me to my face:
What do you want?