My name is Ryker Nicolas Smith. You can call me Ryker, Nic, Nicolas, really I respond to anything. I am transgender. I have the body of a girl, but I am in every other way a boy.
I've known for a while, since around 4-5 grade, that I wasn't like other girls. Something about me always felt odd, like I didn't fit the body I was in.
In middle school I stayed quiet, and didn't draw attention to myself. My thought was is that the more people I knew the less people I'd have to lose. The summer before eighth grade I learned about people who felt how I did; they "didn't fit" their body, and felt more like a guy than a girl or vise versa.
So, when eighth grade came around I was in the longest, and most difficult stage of denial I've ever gone through. I actually attempted to take care of the long ass hair on my head, that everyone seemed to love, and that I had a burning passion of hatred towards. I tried wearing make up, key word tried. I wore the skinniest of skinny jeans, tight shirts, and showed off cleavage. I wore jewelry, anything to make me seem like a regular girl.
However that failed miserably, and while I did try to even act feminine, people always saw me as a more masculine type of girl. I had more guy friends than lady friends, and guys usually didn't stick with me (relationship wise) very long, cause, as I over heard, it was like dating a guy. Jokes on them, they were.
Towards the end of eighth grade I started getting a little bit more comfortable. I had met other people like me, in real life and on the internet, and it made me feel a little more okay. Like, maybe this is a real thing and not some internet hoax. The first thing I did was cut my hair short.
On June 20, 2016, I first cut my hair. It was the best feeling in the world. On the 23 I went and got it even shorter. Now at this point in time I was still in denial, I was just a queer girl with a pixie cut.
I started looking up more about different genders. From around late June to late September, I accepted I wasn't a girl, but also claimed I wasn't a guy. The term "gender fluid" was the first label I tried out.
Gender Fluid- Gender identity changes frequently. One day you could feel masculine, the next day feminine, or maybe somewhere in between.
The first person I came out to was my now current boyfriend. We were at a party with our friends to celebrate being out of middle school, and me, him, an four other friends, were walking to Valero.
From there I started telling everyone. Everyone, except my parents, that is. I live in a very Christian family. So coming out to them is a mile stone that has to wait.
I started going by Nic. It was originally short for my legal middle name, and was on the more masculine side of names, which was nice.
Then I discovered the term Agender.
Agender- The feeling of lacking a gender. Outside of the gender spectrum. Non-binary.
When school started it was surprisingly a bit tougher than I imagined. Mid September rolls around and I get in a relationship with my most favorite human in the world. A few weeks later I admit to him what I failed to admit to myself for a little more than four years. That I am transgender. And he is the most supportive person ever, and no way in hell could I ask for a better person. After coming out to him I started telling all my friends who I was, and I felt so incredibly relieved.
On November 21, 2016, with the help of my boyfriend, I came out to my mom. And she accepts me. I still have a long way to go, I'm only a freshman in Highschool, and I still have to tell my dad. I have a long walk ahead of me, but it's a walk I'm willing to take.
~Ryker
