Be Careful What You Wish For

Chapter Twenty-Nine

1 When Jasper, Bella, and Renesmee reached the hotel where Caius and his entourage were staying, the short and androgynous-looking woman named Corin was already waiting for them in the lobby. Not being an idiot, Jasper had gotten the Volturi leader's number before even leaving La Push for Tijuana, and had called him before agreeing to meet. Bella almost asked him why they didn't contact Caius earlier, but it didn't matter. They were here. This was their great moment. It was her great moment. Finally, her time to shine had arrived.

As she followed Corin and Jasper, holding the 'sleeping' Renesmee in her arms, she couldn't help but remember her transformation, all the pain and horror and hopelessness. The torment had been so great, she had forgotten why Edward had bitten her, had forgotten the names of the people closest to her, had even forgotten her own name. Everything had seemed so pointless. She still remembered with perfect clarity how she'd thought that whatever benefits vampirism might bring, it could never be worth the unspeakable torture of transformation. The first few months had confirmed this, as had her first day as a functioning vampire.

Then, Jasper had replaced both Jacob and Edward, and had shown her that there was a way to achieve some sort of peace, derive some sort of satisfaction from her existence. Guilt was for mortals. She had no intention of ever going back to being useless, to feeling alien in her own body. Never again would she feel like her body was a stony fortress; never again would she be stupid and slow and guilt-ridden and regretful. She'd asked herself a lot of questions; a particularly unpleasant argument with Edward came to mind, during which she'd come to the conclusion that she'd always loved the allure of his sparkly perfection, but never him as a person.

Back then, this had made her want to reflect about herself and all her choices, but what good did that do? None. She understood that her choices had been naïve and selfish and pretty stupid. That didn't change a thing. It didn't undo the fact that she was a vampire, that she was a technically dead and an absolutely parasitic, supernatural creature that brought nothing but death and suffering to those around her. Why flagellate herself by feeling guilty and adhering to a diet that made her weak and stupid and that tasted like hot garbage, as Jasper had so aptly put it? Why not, instead, wash her hands of guilt and just exist the way her nature demanded? It was so much easier. Guilt was a bag of bricks. She had no intention of carrying it around for the rest of eternity...however long that might be. It might only be a few more days. It might, on the other hand, be thousands of years. Who wanted to wander the Earth dressed in rags, doing penance, feeling guilty for crimes that could not be undone, anyway? What good would that do to the loved ones of those who had been killed? The dead would remain dead. There was no changing that.

No, Bella had no use for guilt, and neither did anyone else with half a brain. It was a human concept that only applied to humans. She was a vampire. She was above and beyond any of it – all of it. Forever.

In the hotel room waited Caius, Chelsea, Alec, and Jane. The balcony doors were closed and the thick curtains pulled shut.

"Put the dhampir on the bed in the larger bedroom," Caius said, without preamble.

This was fine by Bella. She was beyond wishing for any pleasantries and small talk. Heck, she'd never been much of a social person even while human. Without saying a word, she carried her motionless daughter into said room and placed her on the bed. The girl had grown. How was this even possible? Well, it soon wouldn't be Bella's problem anymore. She'd never wanted kids, anyway. She'd never wanted to be a teenage housewife stuck with an infant.

She'd never wanted to be her mom. That was the truth, plain and simple. Bella had always condescended to her mom to the point of contempt. Renée had made all the wrong choices; she'd gotten herself pregnant way too young, had married a dull man who never had any ambitions to better his lot in life, had never had the wits to make something of herself, and had ended up being completely ordinary. What kind of life was that? A happy one, a life full of joy and love, Renée always said, but what use did Bella have for human happiness anymore? She hadn't wanted it as a human, and now? Even if she once had, that ship had now sailed.