Home Is Where The Heart Is { Winter Widow }

Chapter Two : Shadows And Ruins Of My Past

Roses has the sweetest scent, so homely. I've always wondered why I loved roses, why they felt so safe and warm. Now I think I understand as I stand here, watching a woman tend to her garden.

She had the most beautiful green eyes and the softest smile. Her hair was a fiery red, untamed and yet I wouldn't call it wild, it had more grace than that.

She paid special attention to the roses then looked towards me, smiling softly.

"I wondered when you would remember me. I think it is better if we stay outside, memories are nicer here."

I didn't know this woman.. At least my mind didn't but my heart felt on the verge of breaking. I spoke, unsure of my words or my actions as I approached the woman.

"Who are you? Where am I?"

"Home, You are home, my dear. I believe you know who I am, my sweet little ballerina."

It was like being overwhelmed by an ocean. I felt like screaming and crying all at once.

"Mama?"

A little girl's voice called out from inside and out came a little girl, no more than 6 years old, with curly red hair and bright green eyes. She was small and thin, her breathing was uneven, the winter air making it harder to breath for her.

I knew that little girl, for that little girl was me.

The woman, my mother, smiled back at her. "Why don't you greet the lady, Natalia?"

I wanted to run forward to ask questions, but, no, this meeting was impossible, this was all a fabricated dream. I began stepping away, still staring at them. My mother looked broken hearted.

"Wait, Natalia, don't go, not yet. You need to know."

Everything faded to white.

"You need to remember!!"

I woke with a jolt, covered in a cold sweat, my heart racing rapidly. I was terrified, like I was running from a ghost.. One I could not see or hear now, I only knew it was there, haunting me as I sat in my bed, shaking. The house.. I needed to find the house and I needed to find it now.

I got up from my bed, getting into my jeans quickly, not bothering to freshen up. I didn't know where I was going or how on earth I was going to find this house but I knew I had to.

The dream unsettled me, made me question things. Was she really my mother? I knew sometimes the mind revealed memories and answers to questions in forms of visions and dreams but this one felt intense. What was my mind trying to tell me and why did it feel so raw and painful?

I got dressed quickly and ran out of the cabin. The snow was falling heavily and it was increasingly difficult to run in the deep snow but I was determined to find a way through it. Another question that haunted my mind was why my mother wanted to stay outside. The way she said it..

"Nicer memories out here."

Before now I had no memory, no recollection, of my parents. The only connection to my past was a man named Ivan. He was my only father figure in my Life but, like Everything, he was gone and it seemed only right that he was. He was the reason I was in the H.Y.D.R.A Program with all the other girls. He had rescued me, only to bring me to a much worse place. I couldn't remember exactly what Ivan had saved me from but it wasn't like I could ask him. He disappeared when I cut ties to H.Y.D.R.A. Perhaps he was scared I would hunt him down. He was right, there was a time I would have, maybe I still would, just not in my current condition.

I didn't know how much time had passed but in my heart I felt something. I felt hope. Like I was getting closer.. I don't know how I knew but looking around I saw an old playground.

I wasn't sure if I was dreaming. Had I passed out? Did I actually ever wake up? Because suddenly the ruined playground came to life as if brand new. A little girl was sitting on the swings, her little red hat and gloves on her pale skin, her fiery hair running down her back. She was the same girl... Natalia.. Me?

Ivan had told me I was a weak child, that I was never expected to live. Now I see he was right. I was tiny and weak, born prematurely more than likely. It seemed I had trouble with my lungs as well. But the little girl didn't seem bothered with anything as she sat on the swings, humming an old Russian lullaby.

"Natalia, it's time to come home."

The little girl looked sad and I looked to see what she was staring at. There was a building there, it wasn't there a few minutes ago. A bell rang and out came young girls of all ages in stunning ballerina gowns.

I felt the ghost of a tear on my face. I looked over at the little girl, she too stared at the ballerina's with longing.

I then looked at her mother.... My mother. The clothes, the small bit of shopping. My mother didn't have enough money to send me to that school. It was devastatingly clear that I had wanted to.

The younger me got off and ran over, taking my mother's hand, walking up the hill. I followed, praying they would lead me home. I had expected talk, happy and light like before, but the atmosphere had changed.. There was fear now but fear of what?

Even as I followed, these ghosts of my past, I felt fear. Irrational, yes, but true none the less.

They began fading as they neared a house and I noticed the house was fading until only ruins remained. The ghosts stepped in and disappeared too.

I fell to my knees, my heart broken. I was suppose to find answers. I needed answers. I thought I had made my peace, that I no longer needed to search, that I was content with not knowing but now it was like a gaping hole in my chest.

I was alone in this world and I desperately needed to find someone. I had been foolish to think I'd find answers, foolish to think anything would be left. These ruins where ancient and as I crawled towards the ruins, running a hand over what was left, I did get one answer.

A fire..... Ivan had saved me from a fire!

Which suggested that my mother, possibly even my father, had died in that fire. Now I only wished I had died with them.

That wish became solidified as I heard a voice I never thought I would ever hear again

"Natalia. I see you found you way home. I had a feeling you would now that you are alone. Like wolves, Natalia, we always return home."

I got up quickly, hardening my stance and eyes.

"Ivan.. and here I thought you had ran off like a coward."

"Ouch, that hurt, but we both know if I hadn't run, you would be dead."

"I can fix that, just stay still." I snarled, going for my blade, only to realize I didn't bring it with me in my foolish rush and now I stood before something that was barely human and I was unarmed.

"Don't be rash, Natalia. You have questions, that is why we are both here. How much do you remember exactly?"

I bit my lip. I should run, escape, but if I did I may never get the answers I wanted.

"Nothing.. Just faces.."

"Then let me tell you?"

He began walking off and I followed like a lamb being lead to the butcher's house.

At the time I wasn't aware of the pair of eyes that watched me when my back was turned, the bird that had flown off or the glint of red in the trees.

I wish I had, it could have saved me some heartbreak later on.. It really could have.