First love

Ocean eyes

[Billie Eilish:]
I've been watching you for some time
Can't stop staring at those ocean eyes
Burning cities and napalm skies
Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes
Your ocean eyes

No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you give me those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

[Blackbear:]
Yeah, yeah-eah-eah
I ain't really trippin' if you wanna go
I know I made you cry last year when I was on the road
I meant it when I said it, you can always hit my phone
(213) 267-9932, girl you know-ow-ow
I'ma make this fetty, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I never would forget you, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Look me in my eyes, tell me you ain't a part of me, no fair

[Billie Eilish & Blackbear:]
No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you give me those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes
No fair
No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you give me those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

[Billie Eilish:]
No fair
You really know how to make me cry
When you give me those ocean eyes
I'm scared
I've never fallen from quite this high
Falling into your ocean eyes
Those ocean eyes

I think about the times you hurt me often, but I think of the times I hurt you the most.

After you were gone I decided that it was best if I forgot about you. Somehow I told myself that we weren't anything important and that I could move on. I decided to date a boy, who I guess I liked at first. This boy was the exact opposite of you. He was possessive and was dead sure that I was unfaithful. I suppose I made it a little too obvious that I cared for someone else. One time he "confiscated" my phone for a whole day because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. He also didn't like when I was with my fiends instead of him, he was extremely clingy and touchy. I was always uncomfortable, and no matter how many times I told him it never made any difference.

You were never like that. You knew very well what was okay and what wasn't. You weren't possessive necessarily, you were gentle, and when you weren't you made up for it.

This boy was not very gentle at all. He only seemed interested in touching me and annoying me. He also didn't seem to understand consent either. I remember being at a party I didn't want to go to in the first place, and our friends had created a circle around us. Everyone was yelling and I wasn't breathing I was too busy trying to get away. While I was looking away i felt him grab my head and turn me  towards him, and then he kissed me. It was horrible really, his lips were cold and chapped and meant nothing to me.

I ended up crying that night because I realized that i had always thought you would be my first ever kiss. I suppose it wasn't that big of a deal, but when you think of something your whole life and it's ripped away for you, it seems like a big deal.

A few weeks later I was still with the boy. I hoped I would gradually start having feelings for him. When he told me he loved me, I didn't even like him let alone love him, but I smiled and said it back anyway. Maybe that was cruel of me.

Every few months we would meet up to go do something together and catch up, and I So looked forward to those days. There was one day though, that I always remember as a terrible day.

You had asked to use my phone and I gladly handed it to you. Within a few seconds you looked over to me with a horrible sad expression. I can still remember the exact look on you face.

"Who's this?" You had asked while pointing to the boy standing next to me in the picture. I had completely forgotten that my lock screen was a picture of me and my "boyfriend" holding hands. It was a cute picture, but it really didn't mean much to me.

I tried to pretend that I missed the pained expression on your face, and i told you that was my boyfriend. You smiled and just said "oh, cool" and gave me back my phone. You never Did use it for whatever you were going to.

I think about that moment every day. I think about how much it must've hurt and how you probably thought "she moved on" and I regret every decision I made that year.

I'm so sorry, please forgive me.