My Queer Experience

Gender What?

*this isn't beta'd or edited, its raw, sorry ya'll                                                                  November 27, 2016

About two years ago I was asked by a gender fluid individual at Girl Scout camp if I was cis. At the time, I was pretty sure that I was a cis female, but I still responded with an uncertain, "I think so." Since then, I was always a little curious about the seemingly thousands of gender identities, but my curiosity was overshadowed by my doubt of my sexuality. 

My sexuality is defined as bisexual, but I also have an extremely fluid sexuality. I must explain that I define my bisexuality as being attracted to the same gender as myself and others. Yes, I do recognized the existence of people who exist outside the gender binary. I myself, am one of those people. 

The reason that I have pointed out how fluid my sexuality is, is to also show that I am also fluid in gender, too.  A couple days ago, I finally talked about the complexities of gender to my best friend and girlfriend. I'll call her Mello. Mello was extremely supportive, and she kept saying that she'd love me no matter how I presented. I even gathered enough courage to tell her how I felt on off days where I didn't feel like my assigned gender (which is female). I went even further and asked if she could use they/them/theirs pronouns on days that I asked. Of course, she agreed. 

Below, I will type out some of our conversation:

(on the concept of gender:)

Mello: it is confusing, and it's hard to wrap one's head around simply because it's so complex and fluid. a

(on how phases are valid and when I worried too much about the future:)

Mello: However you are in the moment, however you feel, is always real, and to dismiss it at one point just because it may  change at another is silly

(something she said that I love:)

Mello: Prepare for the future but don't strangle the present because of it.

I was so glad I opened up to my best friend, because now I feel more comfortable researching and exploring myself, and I don't immediately dismiss everything. 

My gender is so confusing to me, and I don't even know how to identify myself. Most often, in the past, I have felt like a cis female. But then, around my menstrual cycle, I'd have days where I would want to present way more masculine than I ever have. On one of these days, I put on one of my little brother's shirts that was too big for him, found my least girly jeans, put on my tightest sports bra, and still felt wrong.  My hips were too big and wide, my jeans made for girls, and my chest wasn't flat enough. From then on I felt extremely odd about how gender labeled everything in our society is. 

Now, I usually feel female and something definitely not female, but not male. Some days I feel extremely masculine. Others I feel somewhere in between male and female, existing in a weird other area that feels clunkily unexplained. I have no idea how to label this. It's all very confusing.

My last point is how I've been wanting to bind recently. Am I even allowed? Is that something a nonbinary individual can even do? Whatever the case, I think I might buy one around Christmas time. Maybe find a few more masculine clothing pieces to add to my wardrobe to fit my off days.