Vroom. Vroom.
Cars swim past us.
We speed along the highway
My face is towards the window as my mother weeps in the front seat
The car is tense
"Daddy," my mother cries
I shift in my seat, facing more away from her
"Mom, we don't know anything yet. No news is good news," my sister spits, annoyed, worried
I don't say anything
My mother puts a hand on her chest "I feel it. He's gone."
I want to tell her to stop, to quit telling us this
We have thirty minutes left in the car, and no matter how much we speed, we'll never make it
My grandpa fell
My mother cries
My father drives
My sister plugs in her earbuds, annoyed, concerned, worried, hoping she's wrong
I face away from them, concentrating on the outside
And talking myself out of jumping out of the car
Life is inconvenient
The sky is bright and happy
Not a day to die
But when my uncle went, it was also sunny
The weather must have a grudge on my family
When we arrive, cops linger in the back, one gets in his car and leaves
My grandma's eyes are wet, and wide
She cries and fusses about the cops
Grandpa's been dead for thirty minutes
I don't say anything
It's happening again
This sudden death
This sudden absence
I can't feel it
Pain, happiness, only a vacuum
My life is darker, tinted, like a window, as if I'm under a shadow
And it got darker, in preparation for a storm
From that day forward, I feel alienated
The world doesn't wait for me
It's off to school the next day where I trip and stumble and smile and cry
I don't want to go
I don't want to be around people
Wait
That's not true
Yes it is
No one can help me
I don't want to be a burden
I'm sick of being in people's way
I can't do anything right
My grades slip
My motivation drops
My interests become dull
My grandpa's dead
My mother cries
I try to tell myself to not jump out of the window
My death would cause more tears
Those tears that never stop
The sobs that can't seem to stop sounding, like a constant alarm to our emptiness,
The tears wet my pillow at night
And stay hidden during the day
My grades slip
My friends crowd
They push and pull me
They don't trust my fake smiles and laughs
They stick closer to me
And make me feel worse
I don't feel anything anymore
Just a constant drainage of energy
Just a constant confusion
My mother asks the questions "Why?"
She screams it everyday as she cries
First her brother
Now her father
First my uncle
Now my grandpa
Their responsibilities are now mine
I have to keep their spirit alive
Take over their harsh personalities
The void grows
We don't talk about it
My mother can only ask why
She struggles with her faith
I struggle with my emotions
Am I hurting
Am I sad
Or is this smile a happy one?
I look for happiness in the most superficial spots
I want to see other people feel happy,
To try and remember what it looks like
For my friends
For them
And for me
To finally force myself to have a true smile
I don't think about him for a couple minutes
And I feel something
Sadness
It leads the way for other emotions,
Bitterness, loneliness, regret, betrayal, agony
All my mother does is cry
My sister stays away
My father sits, and talks less
I still convince myself to stay in the car
That's what we do now
Drive together
Trapped together, forcing ourselves to be
Happy
