Hidden shadow of youth

Lord's days of a thousand years

How can I change myself? I have tried, Abel disapproves. My sin is sloth, Laurie loves to prey on sin. As the years toss and turn. I love Abel more than anything. But in a world of unacceptance, how can one live life? The fullness and richness of a beating heart seems undesirable. Why you can express yourself. That is a sin; when you pass a lingerie shop on the way to church. I pray and pray and pray...

The sundays have passed, my sister is to marry.

The dress is head to neck covered in plain white cloth. No elaborate dressing, just a pure wedding. Our work is for the lord, nothing more. Worldly customs want only from themselves. That is frowned upon her.

Georgina clutches Delia's hand. Father face goes red. My sister needs to leave the other. I wonder what would happen if Eva was still here?

Her sins her not equal to mine. What she did was unfaithful but not ungodly.

But if her punishment was very severe, I cannot imagine mine.

Abel is to be at the wedding. I want to sit next to him, but his cologne will beat my sense to touch him in forbidden places.

My sisters married family are kind to her. They tolerate the festeringness of Georgina. Josiah fakes smile through the wedding. He must be sad to see his sister go.

We arrive at the church and wedding bells ring. The cross burns marks against my sinful chest. My heart that beats sloth and lust.

My sister shines proudly as she is escorted by my father to the chapel. To her new family. I will her even though we aren't close. I look around to see Abel. He is just around the second row. It won't disrespect my family if I sit close to them. He smiles as I perch myself on the cold wooden seats. I just want him to wrap his arm around me. Though, this is Delia's day.

Her husband to be is Enoch Loyal. Devoted to the lord and has the will to lead my sister on the right path. On what? Is what I will ask myself. The ceremony is peaceful and my brother to be and sister read the vows of god. They are man and wife after a peak on the cheek.

That is how it is. I feel Abel's hand discreetly move to my knee. His light touch calms my nervousness.

I am bored, because this isn't my fate.

Prayers last for ages. We put the couple to bed. Praise god a son is born. Abel and I go somewhere so private nobody can find us. I lean to kiss him, begging to taste him. But his index finger goes to my pulsing lip.

"Tell me something".

My eyes flutter open, I am a mix of frustration and worry. Once you have a sip of something you want more.

"Like what?".

"I have only known you for... yet I feel like...".

"It's eternity".

We glare into each other's eyes. I know this is right. I am sixteen now, Isaac Brodie is almost a grown man. Ignorant to the world. I swallow guilt.

"I want to run away. Once I have got to know these feelings, I feel sick".

"Because of me?".

"Never". I cup his cheeks in my hand and give him a hard kiss. I open my eyes briefly to see if anyone is coming. I cannot hear anything, because god is protecting us. He kisses my neck, jeez it will leave a mark. Then I blurt.

"I wonder if this is what Eva felt like", I moan.

We are in some old tumbled church attic. We are kissing in a place of god. I feel the sensation leave me. Abel has stopped.

"Who is Eva?". He looks up, utterly confused. Why would a mention some girls name while we kiss?

"Nobody", I reply hastily. Scared.

He sighs, pissed off. God wouldn't want him to know.

"Is..is she your lover, girlfriend?".

A spark of anger flicks in his voice. How could he think me so crude? I will never want that sort, but I know deep down it will come in the future.

"We don't see girls. Boys cannot commit to girls until the age of marriage".

"Are you going to marry?".

"Abel, I don't know. I like you so much...".

Abel kisses me hard again. Suddenly we hear footsteps. In a haste we break up and bend on our knees. We are ten inches apart in a prayer. The cross watches with the wit of a thousand years. I mutter a prayer.

"Be merciful to me, O God,because of your constant love.Because of your great mercy   wipe away my sins!  Wash away all my evil   and make me clean from my sin. Be merciful to me, O God,   because of your constant love.Because of your great mercy wipe away my sin. Wash away all my evil and make me clean from my sin!"

It's my brother Josiah, he was looking for me. He clenches his fist at the scene. Oh boy if he knew what really was happening.

The house doesn't feel different without Delilah. She isn't a broad person, but a little part is missing. I kiss my hand, remembering his taste. I get ready for school, thinking of a meeting with Laurie. I shiver thinking of last time. He spoke of a sin, the one he has. Priests must be cleansed, yet a mask of truths belongs him. Abel is waiting in his normal place. He smiles broadly but I know that smile.  The smile of sin. I pass him, brushing by 'accident' on my arm. His bookshelves holds godly books, filled with the pope's words. He drones on about my sin.

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men".

I bring out my bible and we examine the pages of the lord.

'Ecclesiastes 10:18 ESV /  Through sloth the roof sinks in, and through indolence the house leaks. '

He touches my hand as I turns the weak, delicate pages. I pull back immediately, he pretends to not notice. We read more, my eyes training around the small words. When it's time to leave his hand grabs my buttock.

I gasp in horror. I try to push away, I succeed but only by the minimal.

"Isaac, what is the issue".

I rush out, not being excused. Please god save me. Hot tears run down my face. Like that ma caught me touching her bras. Something about them. I got such a beating from my father. Blood ripped from me like paper. I cover my eyes in the dark tile hallway. I cannot let Noah and the gang see me in such a state.

"Issac, is that you".

Abel touches the my elbow as I sob. I peek through my wet fingers to his expression concerned.

"I'm sorry", I say walking off.

I threw up many times in the bathroom. There is no mirror in our house. This is vainness. After I flush I wipe my forehead. My back is arched on the thin walls. Can they hear? I cannot seem to get to grips with Laurie. I am so disturbed. I support my weight by leaning on the walls. I jump to my bed, and cry more.  I hear footsteps and it's once again Josiah.

"I know what you are doing..."

A snap open. The blood slipping from my pale face. Holy father of saint please mercy my soul.