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CHAPTER TWO

Sunday: January 3rd; 46th day

The room was dark, but the light was turned on. The switch was on the outside of this white room that I like to call hell. I didn't mind the light bulb, I could see empty walls and blank spaces everywhere.

Just what I wanted.

You may think I'm using sarcasm but I'm being serious. I want nothing to do with the outside world. I enjoy coloring in the color books and taking the art class when Miss June comes, but other than that I sit in my room.

I don't even watch television, nor do I use electronics.

The fact is, the news tells us about the outside world. But sometimes, the emptiness goes away. My heart is whole and I forget the world. I play with the other children, although I'm one of the oldest ones who can play, unlike the others, tied down to their beds.

But I only have a 'full heart' when they drug me.

I took one pill, and never took another again. Nurse Brenda comes in every morning, puts the tiny pill in my mouth and hands me a cup of water. When she leaves, I make myself throw up the pill, which surprisingly doesn't dissolve instantly, and tuck it inside my mattress between the plush and thread.

So far I've collected 46 antidepressants.

I don't want to pretend everything is normal, I just want to be this little piece of trash that sits in the corner of her room, or on my bed, staring at a blank wall, hoping her parents and little sister are going to walk in saying that she's being punked.

If only I were punked.

If only it wasn't an accident, what if it was just me getting grounded for not doing my chores, or getting scolded for making a 72 on a test. I would give to have any of those things. To be under the roof of my house, inside my bed, not a white cage. To smell my mom's perfume sitting on my dresser. To mess with my tiara and dress from prom. To hear Dad shut the door from work and everyone sit at the table, which I had hated so much.

I wouldn't care if I had to sit at the table with them, I want too.

A knock emerged from the door, loud and sounded like someone hit a spoon against an empty pot or pan. Nurse Brenda walked into the room and opened my curtains, although it was pointless because my windows were boarded up. She had a little tray in which she set onto the bed, filled with a prescribed bottle of antidepressants, a needle filled with a clear liquid, and a small cup that people use to rinse their mouth.

"Sierra, it's a beautiful day outside. You should come, get some fresh air." She shook out one pill into her hand and offered it, cup of water in her left hand.

I shook my head, I didn't want to put that in my system again. She glared at me.

"Come on, it'll make my job much easier. Please Sierra, we are trying to help."

I shook my head, answering her statement.

She placed the cup onto the tray, picked up the tray, and walked out of the room. I didn't react, I knew she went to get help to force feed me this evil pill. She walked back in with Dr. Aldreck.

"You need to take this, Sierra, you need it." He tried to convince me but I wasn't having it today.

"Have you ever felt clustered? Like you are in cloud nine and don't want to come down, but at some point you have to face the truth and know that this ride isn't going to last forever, you have to get off at some point." I pulled my knees to my chest.

"What does this have to do with your daily dosage?"

"That pill, gives me cloud nine, it gives me hope, and dreams. I can sleep at night, I can eat, and I can do what I used to. I hate it." My face feels hot and tears rolls down my red cheeks, eyes watery and brain a jumbled mess.

"Don't you want that Sierra?"

"Of course I do. But that pill doesn't just give me happiness. It gives me regret, makes me wake up thinking how could I possibly forget the real world, the reality of it. It's beautiful but the only thing that makes it beautiful is when you get through everything, one by one, not taking the easy way out by taking a stupid pill that will make a person think what you want them to think. Life can't be beautiful without someone to share it's beauty with. That pill takes away the fact the world is cruel. It took my family, and it isn't going to take me too." I sat there, looking at the closed up window on the other side of the room, in front of me.

I never wanted to, but I took the pill from them so they could leave me alone. I placed it in my mouth, and gulped the water.

I wanted to drown in my tears, fill up this sad room that holds all my thoughts.