Where is my mother?
I lack warmth, the embrace of a loving mother, a secure foundation, a comforting wall behind the arms of the woman who brought me to this world. It's not there, it never was. I drown in the water of my surroundings, I lie alone in a cattle of filth waiting, longing for affection, but it never comes.
I know not of trust. I was never taught to love. I feel nothing, I am nothing, I have nothing. will a new family fill the gaps? will the embrace of a stranger seal the wound? no, it's too late. the gap was filled with cold cement and the wound festered and scarred. no pill, no person, no event will change the emptiness that lies beneath my skin.
I pass my classes, I can read, I can write I can tie my shoes but I cannot love.
the pain within manifest from the nothingness of my infancy. The neglect of my mother and the unknown existence of my father. Never was I held. Never was I loved. Never was I seen human. Despite the change of environment, despite the love of these strangers, these new parents I still lack my humanity. I cannot love, I cannot feel love. All I can feel is nothing.
I'm not like the other children. I sit alone, I don't like the other children and they fear me. I pushed john off a swing set, I broke anna's doll and I stabbed Erin with scissors. their tears are the closest things to comfort I've experienced.
I feel weak, defenceless, by my shattered mental numbness I gain control by inflicting the pain I feel inside on those who are weaker than me. burn the dog, drown the cat, stone the bird. "no mother I don't know what happened to the pet, maybe they ran away"
as I grow older my hatred grows as well. I fill my wounds with substances that promise me euphoria: acid, heroin, weed and alcohol, the dissociation of these drugs substitute my thirst for blood. fellow misguided teenagers are pons to me, free tickets to my next high, supplier of beer, a foolish girl looking for "love" in the wrong places. these people who trust me I have no care for, this girl I keep around is nothing but a tool. I don't care about school, I don't care about college, I don't care for my parents. I cannot care, I cannot love
I have no heart.
I feel nothing, no remorse, no sorrow, no joy. the only emotion I am capable of even somewhat relating to is anger. A rage that burns like a fire within my empty tomb, a fire that devours all that stand in its way leaving behind nothing but crisp remains of what was once alive.
I'm not sorry for the hearts I've broken, the lives I've taken or the people I've used.
as an adult I've amounted to nothing, I could never keep a job, could hardly pay rent, I spent my nights in solitude my only company being a bottle of beer and the insects that nest within my apartment, my domain is a replica of my apathy, chaotic and disastrous, wretched and putrid, vile and obscene.
within a room behind me, a scream of a baby can be heard, lying within a cradle of filth.
