Night Thoughts

I used to be young,

I used to be happy,

I used to to be free,

That is just a memory of me.

Now it feels that life is over,

I am stuck with a mind disorder.

I want to believe the sun will shine,

Yet every time I put on my sun glasses

The clouds turn grey, the rain comes down in lashes.

What can I do?

What can I say?

Is there anywhere safe for me to stay?

Please just let me get through one more day!

I am told that I am pretty,

Yet it is such a pity,

The same cannot be said for the inside,

Where I feel dark and lonely, where NOBODY knows me.

Crying, screaming, hurting, defiling,

It seems the days have passed where I would be smiling.

If only I could be understood,

So that my tears do not flood,

EVERY TIME I THINK! In a blink...

I am judged, doubted, hated ,not rated,

I try, I really truly try!

God gives me strength, I am not sure why.

I am blessed with three babies,

I am not deserved of these,

What they need is normality, stability,

I am left feeling guilty because that is not me!

HELP!!

Nowhere to turn,

No one to turn to!

MAKE IT STOP!!

The reality is it won't.

So what now?

Make another fresh start?

Another false pretence that I am in control,

Lured into a false sense of security,

Briefly I am someone I strive to be.

A woman of moral, depth, compassion, spirituality,

An amazing mother, the best, a solid rock,

To never falter, to not get MAD!

To be able to appreciate the children's beauty, individuality, their smiles and all of their qualities,

To be healthy enough to really hear their laughter,

To share their adventures and all of their stories,

Yet since as young as three,

Their innocent minds trouble,

They worry about me,

That is not the way this should be!

My tears are streaming,

Yet somehow I must keep on dreaming,

I will die before I give up fighting!

I did not choose this 

Why is this life taking the piss?!