“Drew! Drew, where are you?”
It was just Barrone and I in the house and I’d been gone for an hour or so now, I knew he was getting worried about me.
“I’m in here” I called, praying my voice wouldn’t wobble or crack and give me away. I could hear Shane just outside. He tried to open the door, but I’d locked it. I didn’t want him to come in and see me in this tearful mess.
“Drew? Let me in?”
I shook my head, even though I knew he couldn’t see me, and didn’t say a word. I stayed where I was, sat on the floor; knees drawn up to my chest and tears slipping down my cheeks. As Shane continued to try to open the door I crawled further away and continued to sob. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
“Drew, that’s it, I’m coming in”
“No! I’ll be out in a bit! Just give me a second!” I protested, struggling to try and get to my feet.
“No you won’t” Shane shoved his shoulder against the door and burst the lock. I abandoned the idea of getting up and just slumped back to the floor. When he saw the state I was in, Barrone gently closed the door behind him, even though we were alone, and came to sit beside me. He placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a hug. Cradling me whilst I cried, hushing me and whispering comforts in my ear.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked once my sobs had subsided. I cuddled closer to him. I didn’t know what to say...
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I won’t pressure you”
I nodded. I wanted to tell him, he deserved to know. I knew I could trust him but I didn’t know how to put it into words.
“I hate myself” I muttered.
Shane caught his breath but stayed silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I used to be okay with the way I looked, with the way I was, but I got older and something snapped. I suddenly got sad all the time. The slightest little thing can tip me over the edge and make me cry and I don’t know how to stop it. Whenever I look in the mirror all I see are awful words surrounding me, reminding me of how useless I am. Nasty words like, ‘pathetic’, ‘worthless’, ‘ugly’. And worst of all, I don’t feel like I deserve any of you at all, you’re all just so perfect and you put up with me so much”
Shane hugged me tighter, “No. It’s us who doesn’t deserve you. You’re beautiful and strong and brave. And Drew, we’re always going to love you, no matter what”, he pulled away from me and shifted until he was knelt in front of me, looking me dead in the eyes, “I promise you Drew, you’re perfect. I hate you thinking so little of yourself. I’m going to help you get better, okay? I promise”
A small bubble of hope built up inside me. With Shane and the others by my side, helping me through each and every day, I knew I could get better and feel good about myself again.
“Come on” Shane took hold of my hands and helped me to my feet, “Let’s get you out of these crumpled and tear covered clothes”
He walked me to our room and sat me down on the bed before rifling through my wardrobe for a different pair of jeans and a new, clean, shirt. Whilst I was changing Shane grabbed his makeup bag and left the room. Weird time to go do his makeup I thought. He came back to our room, but before entering, he knocked on the door, “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure” I replied. Shane came in, dumped his makeup bag on the chest of drawers and took my hand; “Come with me” he said softly, “I want to show you something” he took me into the bathroom and positioned me in front of the mirror. Around the edges of the mirror he’d written, in eyeliner, ‘you’re beautiful’, ‘we love you’, ‘gorgeous’ and ‘amazing’.
Shane wrapped his arms around me and held me close, “Every time you think that you aren’t good enough, come in here and look at these words. These words are what should surround you, not the dreadful things that you think” he kissed my cheek and kept holding me until I finally saw the many wonderful things that Barrone and the others could see about me. I transformed from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan, because of Shane.
The words are still written there. Shane told the others not to rub them off. Every time I see those words I feel that little bit better about myself. Because what I was seeing was a lie. What Shane see’s in me is much more important.
