He could feel his breathing turning shallow as each breath became shorter with the panic that was twisting at his stomach. He tried to keep it under control but his vision was tunneling and that prickly feeling had sprung up his arms. Suddenly he felt a pressure on his hand and he looked down to see long pale fingers tightly gripping his as a way to keep him grounded. Thank God she's here, Jude thought. If it weren't for Edith's support he would be in the bathroom desperately trying to keep ahold of his sanity. His jury's were today. Which meant today was the day to deal with his stage fright.
This was nowhere near a first for Jude, he'd been performing since he was five years old for judges on the viola, but that did little to stop the panic. Stage fright was something he had always dealt with and would continue to deal with for as long as he was a performer. He didn't understand how anyone got over stage fright. He did know that he could get through this however. It was a simple process for him, accept the fact that he was about to enter blind panic. Understand there was no way he was getting out of the performance. Go on stage and perform like he was alone in a practice room. Let the music take control. That was the big one, something Jude didn't learn until after he had entered college. He may be a performer but he was also the interpreter. Somebody else had done the hard work writing the music and now it was his job to take it off the flat page and give it shape. Let the music take control, he thought to himself once more before giving Edith's hand one last squeeze and then letting go.
Walking over he picked up his viola case and setting it on a near by shelf and then took out his instrument. Getting everything set up he stood for a second and closed his eyes letting all his muscles relax. He went inside himself searching for that musician that hide deep within in. In his head he liked to consider himself a secret super hero who's name was The Interpreter. Feeling the calm take control and knowing the adrenaline was still inside him barely under control, he opened his eyes and brought the instrument into position resting it on his shoulder. He started out by playing a slow, low scale to warm the strings up before moving onto faster chromatics becoming in tune with the lifeless object. As it came to life so did he, and it gave him the confidence to pursue this dream he had had since the beginning.
He wanted to perform. Or maybe not perform so much as play. To constantly be playing, to get the angst and worry and sadness and confusion out there. To make it disappear with each tone that sang against his bow. To disappear in the sound and to be something else besides himself. People could see the instrument and they wouldn't see him with all his cracks and misdemeanors, they'd see a viola player who could make the most beautiful sounds.
He ran through his repertoire feeling his fingers dance over the familiar places on the string where he had practiced a million times before. He knew the way, but his bow and fingers knew it better. A slow pull here, a quick run there and he was ready. He relaxed and took the instrument off his shoulder and took another deep breath. As long as he didn't think about how important his performance was he could keep his heart rate mostly steady. He glanced over at the stage entrance and could hear a cello making its debut for the string panel in the audience. It was quite beautiful but he needed to stay in the right mind set. He turned back around and ran a rep on his instrument without making a noise. It's all about mind set, he thought.
Suddenly the cello sound was gone and the performer was back behind stage. Jude's heart jumped into his throat and he took another deep breath to steady himself. There was no one but him and God at that moment. Only them walking on stage to show what they had.
Jude walked out on stage sending up a quick prayer before narrowing in on his thoughts to remain calm.The lights were harsh and bright as per usual and unlike the first time he had performed, the uncomfortable lighting was familiar and calming. He set his music on his stand and then put his instrument into position. Closing his eyes and taking in a quick deep breath, he opened his eyes and took a look at the first note before pulling the strings that told his story.
