The Diary Of Deep Thoughts

The Sin of Envy

People. They are the one thing on this earth I envy. Not pain, not horror, not hatred it's self. Surley in the animal kindom these emotions are shared amoung preditor and prey, but people - people turn these emotions into weapons.

I feel like I am in primary school again. Where I know I am hated: for my weirdness, for my liking of being alone and due to judgement of my features, but I ignored and bottled up my retaliation. "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." My sister used to say, a quote from a famous writer probably... but what if our enemies don't stop gouging at our eyes and make us bleed so much we might as well be blind, to hide the sight of the tourture rather than let our eyes be the target for such envy. People.
I am not in Primary now. Change has grown me into a women, one who I hope does not have a need for a bottle. Unfortunatly change is also what has lead my envy to grow once again. I have always found it hard due to my past to trust. I have a little group of friends and even amoung that group there are some I trust more than others and it has broken my heart to finally be shown my trust has been portrayed. People who I thought were close and beloved friends are no longer, they are now name callers, "Boi's" of the internet. I can take a joke, but when a online group conversation chatroom is no longer used to become closer to our friends and instead is used for spam of the old and tarnished meme nature or insulting the people who have stck near me, you can understand where my annoyence has come from and this has become the trigger that has made my anger and envy spread.

Unlike primary this time I have friends, there numbers are few and the rival's are large, and hatred and bullying is still shot in my direction from a gun which I thought would never face my direction. If I was a believer in god, many in my home town would tell me to pray, unfortunatly I can not I have committed a sin one which can not be forgiven. I have launched harsh words to my small group of friends as well as my family due to the fustration of lossing friends who have now become horrid people, this is a crime that can not be forgotten. These people who have grown this monster inside me, and although I should always forgive like a bibical women would, I can not. These people have hurt me, if you were in my shoes you would be hurt too.

My sin is unforgiveable, but ask for forgiveness I can. I am in attempt of removing these people from my life. Slowly but surely I will change again. I will become a women. I will shrink the sin and envy in my body. No matter what happens around us we must always look at the positives. I have a small group of friends, a beloved family, people who love me and have guarded me from these people and I have a bottle - one I hope to never use again.