The Diary Of Deep Thoughts

Depression

"Nothing matters."
At least that's what my brain tells me.
"You're almost perfect, in fact you're not even close"
Again and again and again.

I smile. I smile at everyone I see and being who I am, surrounded by the people I choose, smiling makes them happy and that is all that matters.

"It's fake" Brain says.
I tell myself ever since that time the people closest to me betrayed me, my brain had been penertrated by a perminent pool of ink slowly taking over the puppies and rainbows, but that isn't true. It was always there slowly eating away, especially now around the time in the education system where Brain is judged by one test that can effect my whole life.
Brain doesn't like the pressure.
In fact Brain hates it so much he lies back and just wants to sleep.

I remind myself and Brain about the new closest people around me: the friends, the lover, the family, but Brain continues to sleep, ignoring me like a child, only listening to the things he wants to hear.
When Brain wakes up he reminds me of those things. Feelings of how useless and pathetic I am, how I'm going to fail and problems or situations from weeks, months or years ago, brewing me with embarrassment and fear.
"History will always repeat" He tells me. And I believe him.

Brain constantly goes through this pattern of sleeping and waking. I go through the pattern of relaxed then depressed. Yet I continue to remind Brain:
"If I go, who will smile? If I leave, there will be no more puppies and rainbows. If I sleep there will be no more close people and if I die no more history can be made, so fuck off Brain and go back to sleep."