World Nation Disturbia

Chapter 4: Eliott

I want a cigarette, right here, right now, as my back lays against the cold metal of the gymnasium's wall. If I could have guessed even for a second, that Ackerley was that kind of boy... I should have spend my whole life in Sphere 4, and I finally find myself studying in the most prestigious school of Albion, side by side with this child prodigy delightedly depraved. I would never had bet on him. I know, just like everybody in Albion, the influence of his family in the decisions about the Territory. Father's doctrine is anchored within him, runs through his veins like a poison. But I know this is different where the desir takes its source. No man kissing this way is Father's son. Under his hesistations, Gabriel seemed to know how to use his tongue. I head towards the exit as well, and walk to the customs like I do every evening. All the same, all over again. Tonight, I won't go out. Tonight, I'll have something to dream about. In the underground back to Sphere 4, I can't help thinking about his naked, wet body, his shivers, his dick so close to mine. I said it before: I love men. And I love them to love me. The taste of his tongue... Funny that I can't draw away from this particular memory. Maybe the idea of seeing a person of his status in such a situation makes me feel more ecstatic that I'd like to admit it. If Jill would know that, she'd probably say that I've done a remarkable act of rebellion. But... It's nothing like that. While I'm going back up the street all the way home, I find myself imagining him in his bedroom, hoping that he thinks about our kiss, wondering if he feels the same way I do. If he contemplates himself in the mirror, naked, if he's touching himself to discover who he really is. A man with different appetites. A failed child of Father. Just like me, the first time I had those questions on my mind. I remember very well the reflection the mirror was giving back to me, and my fingers pulling every single piece of my skin, looking for an answer. I remember, looking at my short hair, that I wanted to let them grow because I was beautiful, because I wanted to catch Men's eye. Sick Men, like me. I remember the condensation on the mirror, coming from my breathe. I remember the budding desire, coming from nowhere. I remember myself, slipping a hand on my crotch, fully accepting my masculinity without thinking about offering it to the Nation.

My father is watching television when I open the door. He's not asking where I was, only says that I can help myself with the food left in the kitchen. I heat up my meal on a tray and take it with me to my bedroom. I need to talk to someone. Obviously, I can't say anything to my dad. It's too late to leave and go to the Sphere 9 to find Jill, and I don't even want to anyway. I don't want to see anyone, especially not Jack, and I don't even know what I would say to her. I couldn't find the words, and I know she'll mock me. She can't understand. Maybe I should just sleep, for once. I gobble my meal and slump on my bed. My arms crossed behind my head, I contemplate the ceiling. Outside, the throb of the aerial patrols makes me dizzy. We get used to it. We get used to everything. I finally fall asleep without even noticing it.

Waking up is hard. Like every morning. I hate it. The alarm sounding in all the Sphere 4's neighborhoods and repeating itself in all Albion resonates in my ears long after it had stopped. I sit up in my bed and try to reject the dark thoughts already filling up my mind like every freaking morning in this world. For a moment, I feel numb, empty of all will. Suddenly, things fall back into places and I see hasty flashes from last night. Gabriel. Gabriel's beauty. Gabriel's softness. Gabriel's taste. Why do I think about that so strongly? I rise and silently thanks the cold shower that calms me immediately. I dress up in a hurry and leave the house hastily. For once, I want to be there early. Gabriel is always early, I think. I want to talk to him before the rest of the class gets here. At the customs, I stamp my feet. That guys knows me like the back of his hand, he knows what's on my Access Card better than I do but he insists on reading every line. I run in the corridors. Soldiers don't know wheither or not they have to do something about it, and I don't let them think about it for too long. I jump into the tube and the doors close right behind me. Why hurry that much? He'll be there anyway. I slept so heavily. Not a single dream. But the need to talk to someone hasn't calmed down. It's the contrary. It's him I want to talk to. Share something with him. Anything. I don't understand myself why I'm so excited about this. He should be just another boy. It's probably because it's the first time I kiss a boy as clever as I am. The flavour of his innocence is still stuck on my tongue. And I wanna taste it again. I want more. Walking towards St Michael, I ignore delightfully the propaganda posters all through the Isis Avenue. I'm proud of who I am. The University's gate is still closed. I fear I won't find him among the lines of students already waiting there, but I only need to look around that tidy crowd for a second to recognise his hair shining in the morning sun. Some school girls giggle when they see me, acting so perfectly reserved that Father would be proud of them. I smile at them with a deconcertly nature, and they turn away, blushing like virgins. He doesn't look at me. I cross the dense crowd and slip behind him. I only need one touch for him to quiver and turn to me. His breathe is upon me. How did I miss for so long the glint of his eyes? From outside, we're only two classmates waiting quietly for their beloved school to finally open its doors. But between me and him, the electricity takes already the whole space. Yet, he keeps me waiting. No reaction. I hesitate. I realise that he doesn't think like me. That he can't think like me. He education is so far from mine. Suddenly, I consider the fact he could just ignore me. I've been an idiot, thinking that I've just seduced another man that I desired, lik I always do. I was so sure... Time stops for a second or two. For way too long. When I'm about to leave to avoid a stinging humiliation, I feel his fingers on my waist. At this very moment, the doors open and the obedient students get inside St Michael. We remain close to each other, and the human wave passes us without noticing us. I feel so different from all of them, and I can't take my eyes off of him. What's that attraction? I have to make it stop, to break the bound just like he did yesterday night. But once again, he's faster than I am and turns away from me before taking the way to the university's buildings. I let him go. No, we're not from the same world. At least, that's what people must keep believing.