First one and we already have a trigger warning...oops?
Anyway, in this book, if anything is getting a warning, it'll look like this:
Death*
I silently sit in the train station where you were last visible. I found myself emotionless. You made me emotionless.
You were always a sad boy, no doubt about it. I thought being your best friend meant that I'd be there when you needed me, but you never came to me so I figured you were okay, and that you didn't need me.
I always knew that there was something off with you, but you never tried to hide it anyway. I wish I would've done something about it instead of this, I never wanted it to come to this.
You weren't the only sad one, though. You know it, too, don't you? But I went to you when I needed someone, because you were always there. I was sad too. I was so sad.
Do you remember, Scott? Do you? Do you remember when Charlie Net skipped school for a whole week because a rumor got around that he slept with me? Am I that bad? Am I embarrassing? Did I embarrass you?
And when David Corsh pinned me against lockers everyday, calling me a fag and a queer. Sure, you didn't go to the same school, but you did know this was going on. I went to you, Scott. I told you when I was sad, or if I was upset, or down, and you'd be there because you were so amazing. I never wanted to see your name on the paper like that, ever.
"Teen boy throws self in front of train in regards of ending his life!"
They didn't know your story like I did.
Do you remember how many times I wanted to kill my self? Do you remember when I wanted to be the one to be in front of the train?! God damnit, Scott! I wanted to end my life! I wanted to die, but you stopped me! You told me I was perfect and amazing! You said I should never do something like that! Why were you such a damn hypocrite!?
You were always good enough for me, was I not good enough for you?
You came out to your parents a week before. Your dad called you a queer that he never wanted. He told you to leave, and that all he wanted was baseball player. So you left.
And you never came to me...
Why didn't you come to me? I would've saved you, I would've talked you out of it. I would've done anything possible to keep my best friend from throwing himself in front of a moving train! I would've kept you alive! I want you alive so bad.
I would've been gone if it weren't for you. But I went to you for help, because your words were good enough to keep me going and stay strong, but I'm not so sure anymore since your words have been killed.
The noises I could currently hear of the trains passing me as I sat on a bench in the train station gave me chills. My mind flooded with images of you taking the train, it colliding with your body, and I wondered what would happen if I allowed myself to do the same.
So why was I here? Well, does it really take a genius to find out? I belong with you, and I want to see you again. No one at school likes me enough to tell me to stay, and my parents, I left them a note. Something telling them not to worry and that I was going to be in a better place. I imagined they'd get the idea. I clutched the letter you wrote me, your suicide letter. I hadn't read it yet. I didn't know if I could handle it.
No one was really here, which made it so much easier to discreetly go with the next train coming. I can't imagine anyone at home even noticing I was gone.
I imagined what the note would be like. If I was going to see you again, I might as well read it, right? To see what you wanted to say, and what you will be able to say when we reunite. I allow myself to open the note and silently read it to myself.
To my dearest,
What I am doing today will be...I don't know what it will be. Necessary? That's the word. I don't belong in a place where no one wants me, and the only one that does, you, is being burdened by my existence. Oh, my dearest, you had some hardships yourself, but you're stronger than me, for I couldn't handle the problems I was destined to face.
Please don't follow me. I don't want to see you, because seeing you will let me know that you had done the same awful thing that I have, and I don't want you too. Please listen to me, my love. Your life is too beautiful and has potential of sparking, and I know it will. Don't throw that chance away like I am.
Yours truly, Scott Hoying
I found myself bawling by the end of the note. But how could I see him now knowing that he'd be upset by it? God damnit, Scott. I hate you, I hate how your words can control me, and I couldn't even hear the words come from your mouth!
I want to die! I don't want to be here! But you want me to be here, and I just want to make you happy.
"Son, are you okay?" I heard a man ask me. I look up to him, my eyes teary and glossy. He places a hand on my shoulder. "You don't look to be alright."
"I'm alright," I say, looking back to the tracks. "I'm alright," I whisper this time.
"No, I think that you are not. I think you want to do something that you shouldn't do, son," he says to me, looking a little panicked. "Please, allow me to drive you home. My car is parked on the road above."
"I shouldn't, it's best if I stay down hear," I say slowly, listening as the sound of a train could be heard. This was my chance. I could go, and be with you. I stood up.
"Son, stop this," he says and grabs my arm. I smack his hand as the train could almost be seen, and I run to the ledge, I heard the gasps of the man behind me, and right as the train comes up to me, I-
I didn't do it.
"Son, please! Stop this! You don't want this," he grabs my arm and pulls me away from the track. "Please, let me drive you home! You are not in good wealth, son!" I couldn't stop crying.
"I want to die," I whisper.
"I know you do, I'm well aware, but you will regret it. You have such a long life ahead of you, son. You shouldn't throw that away," he tells me. "What is your name?"
"Mitch Grassi."
"Avi Kaplan," he says. "Please, allow me to drive you home," I slowly nod as he leads me to his car. I had a perfectly good chance, and I good view of the track. If I really wanted to, I could've jumped, but you know what? You stopped me again because you didn't want me to. And I have one more thing to say to that.
Thank you, Scott.
