FIRE AND POWDER ↠ P. LAHOTE

P R O L O G U E

________________________

september 16th

"It will be as if I'd never existed."
[Her breathing picks up]

"I won't come back."
[There's a hole in her chest. Was it always like this? A heart, a hole; she's hollow]

"You don't. . . want me."
"No."
[The words are on repeat]

"No."
[He really doesn't]

"No."
[Why would he? She's crying now. She didn't think emptiness allowed for it anymore]

"No."
[Or is it sobbing really?]

"Don't worry. You're human."
[She knows this. She's rued it everyday since she's figured him out]

"You're too fragile."
[Try harder. Yes, she will. Just give her a chance. She'll do anything. Strip all that is her and become something else. To him. For him. Always him]
[Is this what panic feels like? She doesn't think so; she's been panicked before. This cuts deeper— desperation]

"You're not good for me, Bella."
[She never was. What changed, really?]

"Goodbye."
[A whisper in the wind. She's... nothing. Dead inside. Why not out?]

He's been gone for awhile. She feels it so more keenly than she does the cold. Of course, nothing could ever ache as much as his absence does. But she welcomes it. It means she still remembers.

Time must have passed again because she's not thinking much of anything.

Blackness beckons her just as it did her soul; her heart. She'll go willingly.

Even unconsciousness leaves her. Why wouldn't it?
Hot arms around her [the thought that this is the safest she's ever been passes through her mind before she forcibly dismisses it, she doesn't want comfort].
He's talking to her, she thinks.
But is 'Bella' her name?
It used to be.
[But then, Edward used to be here]
The cold is gone too.
Everything— everyone— is.

She just managed to utter "not Bella," before awareness is gone also, and then there's only her and Edward and every moment they've spent together playing around as if it were a movie. She doesn't think it is. Most movies have happy endings.

She's being passed to another's arms. Her dad's, maybe. Why wouldn't she? She's nothing. Edward left, there's no reason to pay her any attention now.

Charlie is thanking someone. Sam. Maybe she should thank him too? Politeness is what she was taught. But why would she? He didn't save her. Destroyed the joining of her with her soul is more like. And now she'll be a shell forever. A vacuum where life used to be.

They went to the hospital.
Now they're home.
What is home anyway?
'Home is where the heart is' — Pliny the Elder.
She doesn't have a home, then.

Wake up.
See Edward and Bella.
They talk about lambs and lions.
Prey and predator.
[Bella would kill to fall in love
He would fall in love to kill]
Blood. Sing. Singer. Mate. Not mate.
Just a singer.
He leaves.
Bella cries.
He comes back.
Bella welcomes him.
They're happy.
He protects her.
Bella falls.
He catches her.

Go to sleep.
Nightmares that tell her the truth.
That she's not Bella. Not anymore.
And she screams and asks why.
She begs him not to leave.
Because if he goes away so will Bella.
She doesn't want to wake up nameless.
Screams of desperation.
Of terror.
Of fear.
Her throat is raw.