Watcher in the Darkness, Book 3: Imprisoned

Chapter 44

Spinning Wheels

I've been banned from Blogzilla for acting like a racist dickbag, so I made a LifeJournal account. Why, you ask? Because this has been the longest fucking three days of my life, and if I don't distract myself, I'm going to lose my shit.

Does that make me sound like a pussy? What do I care? No one will ever read this. Thank god for privacy settings.

The thing is, I'm not anxious about becoming a Pure vampire. Mostly, I just think about Karen.

The first thing I did when I got back from fairy world was go to Kingdom Come. It was empty. I'd expected that, but it was like no one had ever been there. The whole building was marked for demolition. Inside, all the fancy decorations were gone. The light fixtures had been ripped down, and the walls gutted for copper wire. There wasn't even a trace of Karen's scent in her room.

I have no idea where to begin looking for her, or if she's safe. I keep reminding myself that Khalid needs her, so he's going to do everything in his power to keep her happy. If I let myself believe anything else...

I hate this feeling. I'm pissed at myself, and not just for the obvious reasons. I'm getting the only thing I thought I ever wanted. I should be excited, but I'm not. I'm dreading it.

I guess I could focus on the great things about being a Pure vampire, but I can't remember what they are. Right now, staying out of direct sunlight is annoying. When I'm Pure, it'll be a matter of life and death. Right now, if I get caught in the rain, or splashed by a puddle, I get wet and chapped. After I'm Pure, my skin will fall off.

I'm already strong. I'm already fast. I don't need to fly.

Maybe my thirst won't be as bad without this stupid human metabolism, but that's the best I can come up with. Centuries of youth and beauty only appeal to humans because they lose theirs so fast. Being attractive has never mattered to vampires.

Speaking of which, I've been staring at my reflection a lot lately. I've always avoided that before. I'm trying to memorize my face, not that it'll make a difference. Fairies control the mirror world. Before long, I'll forget what I look like, just like every other vampire.

When I sleep, I keep the chalice under my mattress, but I wake up every fifteen minutes to make sure it's still there. When I'm hunting, it's in a pouch under my hoodie, right next to my skin.

Khalid said the ritual is going to burn a lot of energy. I need to make sure my nutrition is way up, so I don't go feral halfway through. I don't want to risk hurting Karen the same way I hurt Justine. Making sure my system is bursting with fresh blood has become my full-time, stress-filled job.

On the flip side, I get struck by flashes of panic that I need to get rid of the chalice. Like, throw it as hard as I can into the ocean. It won't work. The chalice will be waiting for me wherever I go. The fairies will make sure of that.

I guess there's one more advantage to being Pure. My emotions won't kick my ass anymore. Hlin says being a vampire is like having a mind as tranquil as a mountain lake. But that's coming from Hlin. I don't think she's ever had emotions, even when she was human.

People glamorize what it is to be a vampire. That's a throwback to the days when vampires raised humans the same way humans raise cattle. We kept them safe and healthy in exchange for the occasional sacrifice, and they worshipped us like gods. Even now, so many vampires are treated like celebrities that are famous for being famous. Not that I wouldn't take a piece of that, but that's not what's waiting for me. I have no reason to believe my life will get any easier after I'm Pure.

But I still want it. Or maybe I don't. But I do. Then again, I don't. I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar now.

Once upon a time, I didn't feel anything except anger. It felt good to fight. It felt good to fuck and never look back. If I'd known that caring about someone else would hurt so much, I would've stayed far away from people.

Karen, wherever you are, please be okay.