Forever An American YouTuber//Sam Pottorff

♡Chapter 3♡

"Then you should have told me Maisie!" He shouted back with a slight tone of defeat. Almost dissapointment in a way, dissapointed that I didn't let him know how I felt maybe? It was not a tone I'd like to hear though, I know that one for sure. 

"I didn't want to Sam! You get so excited about it, and if I would've told you I'd be the bad guy!" I shouted using way too many hand movements. It's so weird. Whenever I'm really angry, I'll always use a bunch of hand gestures especially in a fight. If I'm shouting something I tend to use hand gestures to show emotion and get my point across better. 

Weirdo, I know. 

"I get excited because I'm unbelievably, undeniably, absolutely in love with you Maisie." He said as he grabbed a hold of my hands. I looked down in deep thought. I just have so much regret. I give Sam so much shit and I'm always so rude to him, and what does he do? Treat me like I'm the only girl in the world. He get's me gifts, he shows me affection, he is honestly the perfect guy with no doubt. And me? I don't get him random gifts, I show affection occasionally but not how he does, and I am definitely not the most perfect girlfriend in the world. I mean, on a scale of one to ten, I'm a solid 5 and a half. 

I don't think I'm falling out of love with Sam, but I definitely think my love has faded over this year. I feel bad that I never fill him in on that, but I just don't know. I can't tell him because I don't even know for sure. I can't figure myself out at all. One day I'm in love with Sam and the next day I run to Jc telling him I never stopped loving him. I mean, I haven't told that to Jc in a while, but it's definitely starting to show more and more. 

I have cravings for Jc. To be his, to hug him more than just a best friend, to cuddle like a couple, to kiss him, to do cute things with him. It's unhealthy how much I want Jc while I'm with Sam. I don't really know how much longer I can hold on to Sam until I crack.

I took my hands out of his and shook my head, earning a confused and hurt look from him. 

"Mais. Babe, what's wrong?" He asked frantically. I looked at him for a second before giving a weak smile. I am hiding so much. Like the fact I may be pregnant, but I don't know who the dad is, like the fact I question our relationship often, the fact I sometimes want to call off the engagement, the fact that I am not happy a lot more than I was a year ago also meaning that I'm somewhat in depression. I'm surprised Sam hasn't noticed my wrists. Well, surprised anyone hasn't noticed them. 

I know, I know, cutting is bad. But I just get so tired of life. The non stop hate I receive on a daily basis, the situation I put myself in with love where I'm torn and unhappy, losing the baby was rough, my grandmas death took a toll on me. It's just a shitty life I have sometimes. 

I understand I have a million plus fans, but it's just different. I try and stop myself from it and tell myself not to care what I think. I'm not one of those people that want to be obsessed with what others think, I want to not care. But I do. If I see a comment that says "I love you" I think, oh well they're a fan. But when I see some saying "go die" or "I hate you" or "you're ugly" I think, well why do you hate me? Like what have I done? 

I just hate my life sometimes. If only I could fly somewhere and not tell anyone where I was. Not know anybody there. Stay as long as I want. That'd be the life. I mean maybe I'll be able to do it while the guys go on tour, and instead of staying with them and traveling with them, I go to somewhere I want to go. Out of California, out of Texas, out of this country, maybe out of this hemisphere. Wherever I wanna go, I'll go and no one can stop me. 

"Nothing Sam, I'm all good." I smiled. 

"Look princess, I'm sorry about stressing you out. I don't mean to. I just get so excited about it." He said apologetically.