Lack of Perfection

Extraordinary

This is stupid I tell myself. It's just a grade, it doesn't define me, but I feel tears welling up nonetheless. 65 I muttered, sixty-five, I couldn't believe it. My overall average was a 73 in math. 73. Maybe this wouldn't have been too bad, but considering it had dropped 27 points in the past 2 minutes... I set my phone down, and sigh, I should get back to working on my project. I stare at the screen blankly as tears rolled down my face. I hope no one notices. Just earlier today I laughed at my ridiculously high grades, with 99 being the lowest. I felt myself slowly losing grip on everything; like what I had previously held in my hand was now out of reach. I have always experienced failures, I'm human; but my grades had always propped me up. Sure I lost the hockey game, or maybe some other girl was prettier than me- but at least I'm smart. At least I have good grades. At least all my averages are above 95s. At least I skipped a grade. At least... It's just, I feel myself becoming           average. It seems so dumb, but- my fear, my fear of not  standing out, my fear that someone will always be better than me, my fear that I'm not, I'm not extraordinary. That I'm just another human wandering around on this planet, no special traits. That I will just live and die with the world as a whole being no better or worse. That my existence will accomplish nothing, and that some people's do. But mine won't. Is this fear so uncommon? I don't think so. There are some who have been relieved of this, their names already known by millions. I envy those people, who have in a sense accomplished more in their lives (no matter how trivial) than I will do in my own. I suppose this depends on my profession of  choice, and despite my fairly pessimistic view of my future, I suppose even with this, this 65, it is still possible to maybe become a doctor or a scientist. It's just that, things like this. Like this 65, they have a way of shattering illusions don't they? Painful rods of reality being jabbed into us, just when we feel we at the top of the world. No, not the world, our world. Being at the top of the world, that would be nice wouldn't it? But isn't that just the stuff of dreams? Is there really any person known and loved by all? I don't think so, but this is a good thing. What does extraordinary mean anyway? When I think of extraordinary figures, my mind races to the fiction. But isn't it true that every person who ever lived is more extraordinary than any fictional character simply because they exist? Isn't it funny that fictional characters can make a larger and more profound impact than
real people, and often do so? Not so funny? I didn't think so either. Maybe I'll be a writer, they don't care how well you did in Algebra 2 do they... Wow, one depressing rant and I've changed my life plan. Is my writing special? Probably not, most likely there are thousands of people that are ridiculously more talented than me. And there are at least an equal number who are less talented, yet more recognized. Do I deserve recognition, does anyone? How can you tell? I wish someone would tell me, tell me whether I'm special, whether I'll make a difference. Maybe I won't, but maybe I will. Maybe this, this 65 will be a wake-up call. Though admittedly I'm not quite sure for what. To stop thinking I'm extraordinary? Or to start thinking that my lack of perfection is what makes me so?