***
I am a jerk.
Ako yung guy na mahilig paglaruan ang emotions ng mga babae. I've broken hearts and felt no remorse about it. It's not like I had a reason to justify it all either. I did all those for my own ego. Masarap yung sense of achievement pag alam mo pasagutin ang isang tao. Liligawan mo tapos pag alam mo na last push na at sasagutin ka na, bigla ka na lang mawawala. It was all for the thrill of the chase. Walang feelings on my behalf. Alam ko, gago ako.
I'll admit, it was empowering at first. Badass daw pag "player". Ang laking boost sa ego. But don't get me wrong; I'm not proud of the things I've done, at least not anymore. Something made me realize how heartless I've become. That something shattered my image of myself.
"I hate you."
Sanay ako marinig yan. Kumbaga parang "Good morning" o "Hello" lang sakin ang ganyan. Normally, I wouldn't mind it at all. Pero iba ang impact kapag bestfriend mo for about 8 years ang nagsabi. Yung bestfriend na alam lahat ng kagaguhan mo inside out, yet still continues to be your bestfriend. She had just gone through a breakup with her boyfriend of about a year. Turns out na niloloko lang pala siya nung guy. Siyempre ako ang takbuhan. I was ready to comfort her (and more than ready to give that guy the beating of his life). What I wasn't ready for was her resentment towards me. She said those words to me and my world was torn asunder. My tall ego came crushing down faster than a house of cards. All the guilt that I seem to have repressed gushed out all at once. It was maddeningly depressing. Hindi ko maexplain kung gaano kabigat sa loob ko, as if my sins were crushing me.
We didn't talk for about three weeks. Those were the saddest moments of my life. I'm her bestfriend and I couldn't do anything to comfort her in her time of need. Everyday I was anxious and worried about her. Eventually, nagtext siya asking me to meet her somewhere. She apologized to me. She said emotional lang daw siya nung time na yun at ako ang napagbuhusan niya ng galit sa ex niya. But I know that a part of her really felt that way towards me.
She resolved never to fall in love for a guy like that again. Having known her for 8 years, I know how resolute she can be . And that really hurts because in the three weeks that she was absent in my life, I've come to realize how important she was to me.
I'm in love with my bestfriend, but a part of her will always resent me for all I've done.
And so my karma begins...
***
~Sorasai
