ALÈATOIRE → personal

self love

I was tagged to do this challenge by the lovely dorothyfriar . This definitely won't be easy to write, but we all have our insecurities, our strengths, our weaknesses; and I think it's okay and beautiful to share them with the world so we all feel a little less alone. This was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to write, I actually got choked up quite a bit while writing it. I don't like to focus on insecurities which is why I wasn't sure if I would post this or not, but I think it's too important, and loving yourself is a priority. a number one priority. so here I am, being completely vulnerable to the internet.. but if it helps one person, than it's more than worth it.

I tag these amazing souls <3 jabberwockied smacklesdearest claryclaus xbrokensecrets McCallChristmas lucastown MeowwwerX700ILDTH farkleyourself friarsriles friarzklutz rowmeyers

dear meg,

oh how young you were when you began to have such terrible insecurities. at the age of only eleven, you felt like you had to begin to grow up far too early as you were an early bloomer and your body began to change. you first, hated your chest, you hated the fact that you were so young and had a bigger chest than any other girl you knew. you hated it, but you dealt with it. oh how young you were when you were first exposed to the internet, and the cruel images of other girls and women began to surround and suffocate you. now only twelve, you started to look at your body differently; your weight, height, the shape of your stomach and the width of your legs. you hated the bump on your nose and your dark circles that fell underneath your eyes, you hated it. you slowly began to hate yourself.

now thirteen, you hated your teeth. you felt too short, too fat, you didn't feel very pretty without makeup and you began to feel this weight of the lovely thing called anxiety settle upon your shoulders. although you didn't know it at the time, and you stayed awake almost every night crying yourself to sleep because your mind would not shut off with the horrible thoughts about yourself. you were scared to go to sleep, when the sun began to set you got scared because you knew what was coming. you were afraid to leave yourself alone because of your anxious thoughts. you hated yourself. you hated your body and you hated your mind and you hated your thoughts. and the worst part of it all was that you were doing it to yourself, you were bullying yourself and destroying yourself.

you felt like you weren't good at anything, you weren't able to do sports well like your cousins. you didn't have the best grades like your other family members that always got high praise; you felt stupid. you felt absolutely stupid and mentally abused yourself for it. you weren't sure of yourself, you weren't sure of anything. the anxiety got worse, the insecurities got worse. . . you got worse. you weren't sure what you were even living for anymore.

you tried to run, you tried to exercises every day to get that thigh gap that everyone was trying to achieve. to rid of the fat circling around your stomach and skinny out the calves on your legs; you began to hate your skin, how it wasn't perfectly sleek or why your nose wasn't short and small like other girls. the confidence you had in your faith was gone, you were gone; you didn't know who the hell you were anymore, and you were barely even fifteen yet. you were depressed, you never felt happy and you felt more than alone like nobody on this earth would ever understand how you were feeling. you felt like a terrible person, because you let your worst fears come true in your mind and destroy your life; yet you had never told one single soul what you had been going through for four years. not once. you held it in and let it crush you. you let it consume you until all you saw was darkness. your anxiety got so bad that you felt like you couldn't eat, or breathe. or even open your eyes at times.

you felt so stupid. you began to despise how big your thighs were and how short your legs were and why your eyebrows didn't look correct and how your eyelashes weren't curled and long like other girls and how you couldn't comprehend math as well as other people. you hated how you look in jeans and how you aren't tall, you feel like clothes swallow you and that you weren't good enough, like you were never ever good enough. you kept your head down in public, you shut everyone out, you hurt yourself mentally and physically.. and it was all because of your mind, and you let it drown you and you were saddened because you didn't feel strong enough. . . not once.

but oh how you are. oh how far you have come and oh how much you have changed. it's taken time but you've improved far more than you could have ever imagined four years ago. you've found passions that make you want to actually get up out of the bed and actually live the day, and be happy. I'm so proud of you. You've been able to create and write things that you didn't even possibly think could change your life so drastically; but it has.

you've completely changed your mind set and love yourself for who you are, you've found so much love and strength in your faith and in yourself. you actually did it, you overcame a huge roadblock that you weren't sure you'd ever be able to cross but you did. . . and I'm more than proud of you, because you're beautiful and strong inside and out. you've found strength and a newfound confidence within yourself, and as you continue to grow I can't wait to see what amazing things happen.

I'm still not 100% there, but I don't think anyone ever will be. It's constant progress and you constantly have to work on yourself, self love is the most important thing in this world. you are you, you will always be you and that will never, ever change. I'm so happy to finally be able to say that I'm confident, that I love who I am. you're all you have, and it's completely up to you to change your mindset because it will take some time, but you will get there. I promise. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life, so love it! Every second of it. You will be happy and you can love yourself. And you should, because you're a complete masterpiece and sometimes it takes awhile for a piece of art to be finished, especially when you want to concentrate on creating and building up on the little details and aspects. but in the end, it all comes together. and it's beautiful.

with all the love in the world, meg.